All right. Three times in the past four weeks makes it a pattern, I think.
First, there was a call from nonboyfriend that was unexpectedly friendly and even fond. He sounded almost sad when I spoke about how happy I am these days. (Of course, I didn't mention that I was also exceedingly happy when I was with him, and my contented state now still probably doesn't compare. Best not to let on too much. Because while that all is true, I'm not pining for him.)
Then there was Edward, who forced his way back in my life with a series of emails and then phone calls, usually lasting multiple hours. The sentiments were as I expected - he misses me, he loves me, so on and so forth. He made some effort to guilt-trip me that I make no apologies about having been with other people since I was last with him more than a year ago. He wants me to believe that he hasn't had sex with anyone in that entire time. Now, I generally take whatever he tells me with a grain of salt, but this is just an outright lie. One of the reasons he and I are physically compatible is a comparably insatiable sexual appetite. Just like I couldn't abstain for a year without some damn good reason to do so, neither could he. And considering before this month, we hadn't spoken since last year, there's no chance he has, either. I stubbornly refused to be guilt-tripped, pointing out that he never even discussed anything remotely resembling a relationship, let alone monogamy with me. Granted, had he done so, I more than likely wouldn't have agreed, but that's beside the point.
And just this week, a boy I was dating over break (one of the three, and the only one things definitively ended with when I left. There was a goodbye date and all) sent me a facebook message telling me he can't wait to see me again. And that he misses me. And when will I be home?
I'd noticed with this third guy that about a week earlier, his facebook relationship status had changed from "in a relationship with..." to "single." And then, like clockwork, came a message to me.
Nonboyfriend told me as much when he called me. At least there, I appreciated the honesty.
And Edward, in our last phone call, told me that a girl he'd liked as "more than just a friend" had just revealed to him that she has a boyfriend.
So, what do we have here? Three recent (but past) lovers. All suddenly single or momentarily unhappy in their relationships. And who do they call? Me.
At first, I was actually flattered. Remembering back to when I was in exclusive relationships, whenever things were going sour, the first thing I'd always think of was the last person I was happy with. So in one sense, I'm flattered to be that happy memory. I took it as a testament to the fact that my honesty and genuine attempt to be easy-going has gone over well and left much better impressions than previous monogamous relationships where I tried to be whatever my partner wanted me to be.
But somewhere around the third consecutive time this happened, I started just feeling like I'm everyone's backup. Like I'm the reinforcements. The B-team you bring in when those you really want are unwilling or unable to play. And that's much harder to take as flattering.
I'm probably making too much of this, but nevertheless, I do think it counts as a pattern. And essentially, it comes off that I'm not quite good enough to be anyone's first choice. Which sucks, no matter how enthusiastic a second choice I might be. Perhaps some of this is residual issues with nonmonogamy and having trouble moving so much that I never settle down enough to establish a "primary" relationship with any partner(s). I'm always the secret, the second-hand option. Most of the time, I'm happy to be that. And to be fair, this street goes both ways. These people aren't my primaries, either. (Perhaps with the exception of nonboyfriend, who I didn't see anyone else when I was with, not because I wasn't allowed to but because I genuinely didn't want or need to.)
Still, sometimes you just want some love. And to not be a secret. Maybe that's why the cuddling with the Viking was so surprising to me. I haven't had that in some time, either because I couldn't open up enough to be comfortable with it (Jacob is always willing to cuddle, to his credit, but I have intimacy issues with him) or because people would be silly and do things like never spend the night or insist they couldn't sleep and be touching at the same time. (Again, to nonboyfriend's credit, despite his restless sleep habits, he'd make a concerted effort to keep an arm around me. But I haven't been in bed with him in almost a year, also.)
I suppose I haven't really made any shocking revelations here. I just keep saying over and over that, well, it sucks. Because it does. I don't want to always be a backup. I think I might deserve better. Someday, I hope.
Showing posts with label summer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label summer. Show all posts
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Sunday, August 10, 2008
The big adventure.
Well, folks, it's that time. I'm off to Europe for the rest of the year. It's been a fantastic summer. Really, one of the best I can remember. And I have a lot of people to thank for that. I kind of wish I could disclose names here, but I'm pretty confident they know who they are. Basically, if we've hung out this summer, you were part of that experience and I'm utterly grateful for it.
Before I go, a couple other things I've learned this summer, and a little bit of a rant , because the person it's about will get a kick out of it. :)
Things I've learned this summer:
- Age doesn't matter. I used to subscribe to the belief that age was a make-or-break factor in a relationship, and had pretty hard limits on what age was OK to associate with, date, etc. I started abandoning that when I became really close with a couple in college, not realizing there was almost 20 years between them. (I knew there was an age difference, but not that much.) I loved hanging out with both of them, they were and still are loyal friends and I never once felt out of place or uncomfortable with them, despite our (or their) age difference. And this summer, my group of friends has expanded, age-wise, to include several people who are a good deal older than me. And I love that experience. I love the different perspective they can give me and I can give them, and, again, I've been lucky to find people who are intelligent, supportive, and a blast to be around. So I'm rescinding my previous limits on age-appropriateness. While I'd still say there are some limits, I'm aware now that age really has very little to do with whether or not you connect with someone.
- Meeting new people isn't as scary as I thought it was. As I've mentioned before, I've lost several friends (in the sense that we're no longer in each other's lives) this summer, but I've gained several new ones. I've been notoriously afraid of meeting new people, and this summer, between working at the paper, Thunder, living in a new neighborhood and being old enough to go out to bars and clubs, I think I've done one hell of a job meeting new people. I still keep in touch with several of them. And that gives me hope for meeting new people on this adventure I'm about to embark on.
- I really like BDSM. It's not the only thing I like, but I had various opportunities to explore it a little more fully this summer, and overall, I really enjoyed it. Playing, watching, learning. All good things. And I have a better idea about some of my limits.. and how malleable some of them are. :)
There are more things, but as I'm looking around my room right now, I'm realizing that I leave in 12 hours and there is a lot of crap to clean up... so we'll jump to the story.
There are times when I really love friends with benefits relationships. It takes a certain kind of friendship and certain kind of people to be able to make it work, but when it does work, it works really well. After a crazy night out with the non-boyfriend, Roomie, P, G, and Gayboyfriend, I spent Friday recouperating. And being a little sad, as the reality of the summer ending was beginning to hit me. After blowing off packing all day, I was still feeling pretty shitty and, to borrow a term, had a bad case of skin hunger. I ended up texting a long-time friend who I hadn't had a chance to say goodbye to yet. After the opening ceremonies, he came over. I sometimes forget how much fun we have together. We ended up hanging out in my bedroom, talking about everything under the sun. My house is sans AC, and I was really hot, so I ended up stripping down to a bra and short shorts. And then dropped a not-so-subtle hint that cuddling would be a really awesome idea. (Yeah, I was super-smooth. Along the lines of "I need to make more friends who like to cuddle." *cue boy lying down next to me with his arm around my waist. Excellent*)
We watched entirely too many episodes of Weeds, chatting in between, and flirting like we tend to do. I showed him my new cuffs from Thunder, he wore them for a while, which made it really difficult for him to sneak up on me and tickle me, since he jingled. There was much cuddling. And he's a really good cuddler. Which I know sounds strange, but there are people who just... aren't very good at it. Also, we fit nicely together, since he's got a solid five or six inches on me, so it contributes to the whole i'm-little-and-feminine feeling that I so enjoy when cuddling. I think there were small periods of time where both of us fell asleep (he didn't get to my house until midnight), and eventually, when I tried to get up to put the next episode on, he kept his arms locked around me.
Now, generally, I'm pretty good at cuddling with platonic friends. Granted, this friend isn't entirely platonic. He's that kind of excellent friend with benefits whose company I really enjoy, whether we're hooking up or not. And we'd hooked up earlier in the summer, but hadn't slept together since I started seeing non-boyfriend, for a variety of reasons. But with the cuddling, and the fabulous conversation (intelligent and silly and serious and lighthearted all at once) I kind of couldn't help wanting it to go farther. And he has an uncanny ability to figure out exactly what I want. It's a little eerie, although my guess is it has something to do with the fact that we've known each other for over a decade. Anyways, he kept asking me what was on my mind, and in a totally high-school move, I played the "nuuuuuuthing" card. And then he started kissing me. Which was exactly what I wanted.
And things progressed (I was mostly naked already) in the way they tend to with he and I, and shortly there were no clothes left on our bodies. Talk about satisfying skin hunger. And here's the thing I remember most vividly from the encounter (which is going to make me sound rather girly): the way he held my hand. He'd be on top of me, and go to hold my hands above my head (again, he knows the kind of thing I like), but instead of just holding my wrists down, he'd intertwine his fingers in mine, which allowed me to squeeze back on his hand. And made me feel really connected to him. I know that's a little thing, the way his hands were, but it was particularly interesting, because it was something I'd actually been thinking about earlier that day. About how I wanted to get laid, but have it be more sensual than the frenzied need or getting dommed. And this friend knows where my buttons are, and exactly how to push them. And he absolutely did. Which was exactly what I wanted.
I also tend to remember specific things he says when we're having sex. I remember the first time we hooked up (well, ok, the "first" part is debateable) after a fabulous date involving dinner and a movie and a trip to Kmart to try to find Nerf guns (unsuccessfully) and late-night stargazing in the snow and an effort to get pie until we realized the Village Inn closed in 10 minutes, he said something to me (about my rack, heh)... and something about the way it was worded or the way he said it, I don't know... was really hot. And I can still remember exactly how it sounded and what he said. The same kind of thing happened this time... I was on top, and sat up straight, still rocking my hips. He looked up at me and just said "god, that's a gorgeous sight." I'm pretty sure I blushed. I always do when compliments actually take. It made me feel ridiculously attractive, and sexy, and wanted. It was fantastic.
Really, the whole night was a blast. I kind of consider that my first Last Night in the City. (I went out with friends the next night, and had a great time, although the tone was a little bittersweet.) But had I left the next day, I still would have been totally satisfied with how I'd spent my last few hours here by hanging out with him. He somehow figured out exactly what I needed, and that's what I got. I wish that was the case with more of my life. Heh. Anyways, friend, I'll miss you. See you when I get back.
And that's all, folks. I'll be out for at least two weeks as I travel Spain. I'm sure I'll have periodic internet access a la internet cafes and hotel lobbies, but I don't know if it will be enough time to post. But I'll be sure to keep everyone updated on the inevitable escapades. Speaking of, last night, a girlfriend asked me if I wanted to bet how long it'll take before I get laid in Spain. Any guesses, readers? :)
Adios!
Before I go, a couple other things I've learned this summer, and a little bit of a rant , because the person it's about will get a kick out of it. :)
Things I've learned this summer:
- Age doesn't matter. I used to subscribe to the belief that age was a make-or-break factor in a relationship, and had pretty hard limits on what age was OK to associate with, date, etc. I started abandoning that when I became really close with a couple in college, not realizing there was almost 20 years between them. (I knew there was an age difference, but not that much.) I loved hanging out with both of them, they were and still are loyal friends and I never once felt out of place or uncomfortable with them, despite our (or their) age difference. And this summer, my group of friends has expanded, age-wise, to include several people who are a good deal older than me. And I love that experience. I love the different perspective they can give me and I can give them, and, again, I've been lucky to find people who are intelligent, supportive, and a blast to be around. So I'm rescinding my previous limits on age-appropriateness. While I'd still say there are some limits, I'm aware now that age really has very little to do with whether or not you connect with someone.
- Meeting new people isn't as scary as I thought it was. As I've mentioned before, I've lost several friends (in the sense that we're no longer in each other's lives) this summer, but I've gained several new ones. I've been notoriously afraid of meeting new people, and this summer, between working at the paper, Thunder, living in a new neighborhood and being old enough to go out to bars and clubs, I think I've done one hell of a job meeting new people. I still keep in touch with several of them. And that gives me hope for meeting new people on this adventure I'm about to embark on.
- I really like BDSM. It's not the only thing I like, but I had various opportunities to explore it a little more fully this summer, and overall, I really enjoyed it. Playing, watching, learning. All good things. And I have a better idea about some of my limits.. and how malleable some of them are. :)
There are more things, but as I'm looking around my room right now, I'm realizing that I leave in 12 hours and there is a lot of crap to clean up... so we'll jump to the story.
There are times when I really love friends with benefits relationships. It takes a certain kind of friendship and certain kind of people to be able to make it work, but when it does work, it works really well. After a crazy night out with the non-boyfriend, Roomie, P, G, and Gayboyfriend, I spent Friday recouperating. And being a little sad, as the reality of the summer ending was beginning to hit me. After blowing off packing all day, I was still feeling pretty shitty and, to borrow a term, had a bad case of skin hunger. I ended up texting a long-time friend who I hadn't had a chance to say goodbye to yet. After the opening ceremonies, he came over. I sometimes forget how much fun we have together. We ended up hanging out in my bedroom, talking about everything under the sun. My house is sans AC, and I was really hot, so I ended up stripping down to a bra and short shorts. And then dropped a not-so-subtle hint that cuddling would be a really awesome idea. (Yeah, I was super-smooth. Along the lines of "I need to make more friends who like to cuddle." *cue boy lying down next to me with his arm around my waist. Excellent*)
We watched entirely too many episodes of Weeds, chatting in between, and flirting like we tend to do. I showed him my new cuffs from Thunder, he wore them for a while, which made it really difficult for him to sneak up on me and tickle me, since he jingled. There was much cuddling. And he's a really good cuddler. Which I know sounds strange, but there are people who just... aren't very good at it. Also, we fit nicely together, since he's got a solid five or six inches on me, so it contributes to the whole i'm-little-and-feminine feeling that I so enjoy when cuddling. I think there were small periods of time where both of us fell asleep (he didn't get to my house until midnight), and eventually, when I tried to get up to put the next episode on, he kept his arms locked around me.
Now, generally, I'm pretty good at cuddling with platonic friends. Granted, this friend isn't entirely platonic. He's that kind of excellent friend with benefits whose company I really enjoy, whether we're hooking up or not. And we'd hooked up earlier in the summer, but hadn't slept together since I started seeing non-boyfriend, for a variety of reasons. But with the cuddling, and the fabulous conversation (intelligent and silly and serious and lighthearted all at once) I kind of couldn't help wanting it to go farther. And he has an uncanny ability to figure out exactly what I want. It's a little eerie, although my guess is it has something to do with the fact that we've known each other for over a decade. Anyways, he kept asking me what was on my mind, and in a totally high-school move, I played the "nuuuuuuthing" card. And then he started kissing me. Which was exactly what I wanted.
And things progressed (I was mostly naked already) in the way they tend to with he and I, and shortly there were no clothes left on our bodies. Talk about satisfying skin hunger. And here's the thing I remember most vividly from the encounter (which is going to make me sound rather girly): the way he held my hand. He'd be on top of me, and go to hold my hands above my head (again, he knows the kind of thing I like), but instead of just holding my wrists down, he'd intertwine his fingers in mine, which allowed me to squeeze back on his hand. And made me feel really connected to him. I know that's a little thing, the way his hands were, but it was particularly interesting, because it was something I'd actually been thinking about earlier that day. About how I wanted to get laid, but have it be more sensual than the frenzied need or getting dommed. And this friend knows where my buttons are, and exactly how to push them. And he absolutely did. Which was exactly what I wanted.
I also tend to remember specific things he says when we're having sex. I remember the first time we hooked up (well, ok, the "first" part is debateable) after a fabulous date involving dinner and a movie and a trip to Kmart to try to find Nerf guns (unsuccessfully) and late-night stargazing in the snow and an effort to get pie until we realized the Village Inn closed in 10 minutes, he said something to me (about my rack, heh)... and something about the way it was worded or the way he said it, I don't know... was really hot. And I can still remember exactly how it sounded and what he said. The same kind of thing happened this time... I was on top, and sat up straight, still rocking my hips. He looked up at me and just said "god, that's a gorgeous sight." I'm pretty sure I blushed. I always do when compliments actually take. It made me feel ridiculously attractive, and sexy, and wanted. It was fantastic.
Really, the whole night was a blast. I kind of consider that my first Last Night in the City. (I went out with friends the next night, and had a great time, although the tone was a little bittersweet.) But had I left the next day, I still would have been totally satisfied with how I'd spent my last few hours here by hanging out with him. He somehow figured out exactly what I needed, and that's what I got. I wish that was the case with more of my life. Heh. Anyways, friend, I'll miss you. See you when I get back.
And that's all, folks. I'll be out for at least two weeks as I travel Spain. I'm sure I'll have periodic internet access a la internet cafes and hotel lobbies, but I don't know if it will be enough time to post. But I'll be sure to keep everyone updated on the inevitable escapades. Speaking of, last night, a girlfriend asked me if I wanted to bet how long it'll take before I get laid in Spain. Any guesses, readers? :)
Adios!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
TILTS: I'm worth more
I figure I'll start out with the biggest one. Mostly because that's what's on my mind right now. As far as relationships go, I'm worth more than I've historically settled for. I've come to this conclusion with the help of a number of people.
One is the guy I've been seeing (sort of) all summer. Who asked that I not write about him, but this is relevant, and nothing bad. I've had a great time hanging out with him in a variety of capacities. When I'm with him, I feel confident and smart and relaxed and even sexy. Those are almost all new sensations for me. He's smart and charming and talented and fucking adorable. But he can be a little flakey - which I can deal with. We've been very clear about the terms of our friendship/relationship (which I use here as a synonym for friendship), and I've been happy to accept them. I like to think I make him happy when I'm with him, too. So he's helped me realize I deserve to feel like that. I deserve to feel wanted and intelligent and sexy and worthwhile. I deserve to be with someone who makes me feel like that all the time and who, at the same time, understands that I need my space sometimes. I don't want a life partner right now. I still don't know how I'd do with an exclusive relationship (although I've done well with this non-exclusive one, oddly enough), but I deserve to be with someone who I don't have to compromise for. And I deserve to be more than their friend. I deserve to be taken out, to go dancing, to dinner, or invited over to cuddle and watch movies. That's the part that's missing right now. But I thank him for helping me realize that.
One is my friends this summer. Many of them aren't around anymore. I've lost more than a few long-time friends this summer, largely through my own doing. But the ones that stuck around have been beyond amazing. Supportive, and accepting, and fun and entertaining and encouraging and intelligent and genuine. They've helped me realize that I'm worth more, but also, that I don't have to put up with shit from people who are friends only in name. I deserve to be around awesome people who realize that I'm actually a pretty awesome person, too. Anyone who doesn't see that, well, they aren't worth my time.
My bosses and editors at the paper. They helped me realize that I deserve a job where I can do what I'm passionate about in a form I'm good at. They've encouraged me to try for bigger stories, bigger things, and better articles. I needed that encouragement. So they've shown me that I'm worth more professionally.
My readers - you all have been more encouraging than you know. I love knowing that people are reading and enjoying my writing, and your advice, sense of humor and genuine intellect has only been a positive influence. You've shown me that I'm worth more in my writing and that I'm not just writing for the faceless blogosphere.
Overall, this summer, I've learned that I don't have to settle. I can be in a healthy relationship. I can maintain friendships and even build new ones. I can have a fantastic job where I'm happy. I don't have to sell myself short and I'm worth a hell of a lot more than what I've been settling for in the past. I don't plan to settle again. Thank you to everyone who helped me realize that.
One is the guy I've been seeing (sort of) all summer. Who asked that I not write about him, but this is relevant, and nothing bad. I've had a great time hanging out with him in a variety of capacities. When I'm with him, I feel confident and smart and relaxed and even sexy. Those are almost all new sensations for me. He's smart and charming and talented and fucking adorable. But he can be a little flakey - which I can deal with. We've been very clear about the terms of our friendship/relationship (which I use here as a synonym for friendship), and I've been happy to accept them. I like to think I make him happy when I'm with him, too. So he's helped me realize I deserve to feel like that. I deserve to feel wanted and intelligent and sexy and worthwhile. I deserve to be with someone who makes me feel like that all the time and who, at the same time, understands that I need my space sometimes. I don't want a life partner right now. I still don't know how I'd do with an exclusive relationship (although I've done well with this non-exclusive one, oddly enough), but I deserve to be with someone who I don't have to compromise for. And I deserve to be more than their friend. I deserve to be taken out, to go dancing, to dinner, or invited over to cuddle and watch movies. That's the part that's missing right now. But I thank him for helping me realize that.
One is my friends this summer. Many of them aren't around anymore. I've lost more than a few long-time friends this summer, largely through my own doing. But the ones that stuck around have been beyond amazing. Supportive, and accepting, and fun and entertaining and encouraging and intelligent and genuine. They've helped me realize that I'm worth more, but also, that I don't have to put up with shit from people who are friends only in name. I deserve to be around awesome people who realize that I'm actually a pretty awesome person, too. Anyone who doesn't see that, well, they aren't worth my time.
My bosses and editors at the paper. They helped me realize that I deserve a job where I can do what I'm passionate about in a form I'm good at. They've encouraged me to try for bigger stories, bigger things, and better articles. I needed that encouragement. So they've shown me that I'm worth more professionally.
My readers - you all have been more encouraging than you know. I love knowing that people are reading and enjoying my writing, and your advice, sense of humor and genuine intellect has only been a positive influence. You've shown me that I'm worth more in my writing and that I'm not just writing for the faceless blogosphere.
Overall, this summer, I've learned that I don't have to settle. I can be in a healthy relationship. I can maintain friendships and even build new ones. I can have a fantastic job where I'm happy. I don't have to sell myself short and I'm worth a hell of a lot more than what I've been settling for in the past. I don't plan to settle again. Thank you to everyone who helped me realize that.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
What I've learned this summer...
Well, seeing as how the summer is coming to a close, and I’m making a pretty major move (read: I leave for the other side of the pond in 5 days!), it seems like an appropriate time to reflect. I’m wrapping up my summer-long internship, and I can safely say this has been one of the best summers I’ve had the pleasure of experiencing. The combination of friends, new experiences, and an ideal job (well, except the lack of pay) have all created a plethora of fantastic memories.
At the same time, I’ve learned a lot this summer. So, with any luck, my next few posts will be on trends I’ve noticed over the summer, or things I’ve learned about myself, my beliefs, and people in general. Since today is my last full day at the paper (where I have regular, reliable internet access), they might be a little sporadic, but I’ll do my best. Then I leave for Europe on Aug. 10, so I’ll be unavailable for something like two weeks while I’m traveling. I’m sure I’ll have periodic internet café access, so I’ll try to at least get up a HNT picture in there. Once I’m settled, I’ll be sure to update everyone on my escapades, and I promise to have some great stories. In the meantime, thanks to everyone for reading – especially the newer additions… it’s really a great feeling to be getting more well-read. I wish everyone the best.
See you on the other side!
Sasha
At the same time, I’ve learned a lot this summer. So, with any luck, my next few posts will be on trends I’ve noticed over the summer, or things I’ve learned about myself, my beliefs, and people in general. Since today is my last full day at the paper (where I have regular, reliable internet access), they might be a little sporadic, but I’ll do my best. Then I leave for Europe on Aug. 10, so I’ll be unavailable for something like two weeks while I’m traveling. I’m sure I’ll have periodic internet café access, so I’ll try to at least get up a HNT picture in there. Once I’m settled, I’ll be sure to update everyone on my escapades, and I promise to have some great stories. In the meantime, thanks to everyone for reading – especially the newer additions… it’s really a great feeling to be getting more well-read. I wish everyone the best.
See you on the other side!
Sasha
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