I (lessthanthree) your blog.

I'm making a concerted effort to get OUT of the habit of saying I "heart" things by the time I leave Spain, so I've resorted to using lessthanthree. Also, it's a phrase rather dear to me as it's an affectionate greeting between P and I. Depending on how much less than three we write, that's how much we love/miss the other. It's silly, but fun. But I'm digressing.

My dearest Essin' Em was gracious enough to list little ol' me in her I <3 your blog entry, and I figured it's time I return the favor.

First off, the rules:
1. Link to the giver.
2. Nominate up to seven other fabulous blogs and link to them.
3. Leave comments announcing their rise to greatness.
**Note - You may have been given this already, so that means you are a GREAT blogger.

And so here they are, in no particular order.

Essin' Em, I lessthanthree your blog! My dear, where could I even begin? I love that we've known each other basically forever, lost and regained touch so many times, and still we've ended up so close in our identities and intellectualism and lives. You are, absolutely, my inspiration in so many things, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little proud to tout you as one of my real-world friends. I can't wait for more Mexican food and sex chat as soon as I'm back. And maybe some hottubbing, too... Sans awkward friends this time? :)

Amalthea, I lessthanthree your blog! Darling, we've gone over this so many times in comments and emails back and forth, but I absolutely love what kindred spirits we are, even though we've yet to meet in person. (I say yet because I fully plan on remedying that one of these days!) I love how your voice comes through in your writing - I know you think it's scattered, but I just think it's fabulous. I also love reading as you see how blogging can be so beneficial for you and your life and your self-esteem. You most certainly deserve it. (Also, I should let you know that as a child, The Last Unicorn scared me shitless. You have very nearly changed my perception on that.) Also, I'm loving you participating in HNT... gives me more to look forward to. :)

Fat Controller, I lessthanthree your blog! Your words are beautiful, you and Heather are beautiful, and I love being able to be a fly on the wall (well, with a more comfortable seat, I feel like a pampered voeuyer) in reading about your relationship. You are so real, and honest, and talented - more than a few times, your words have had physically affected me. I love that you're just vague enough to leave us wanting more, without once leaving us wanting. You and Heather are another pair of bloggers I hope to meet in person someday.

Roland Hulme, I lessthanthree your blog! I just got done commenting this on your latest post, but truly, I love the intellectualism and wit I get with each entry. I'll admit that I still can't quite wrap my head around your political positions, but that's part of the fun. You're one of the few non-sex bloggers I read regularly (quiet in the peanut gallery, thank you), because I'm so hungry for the snarky, smart commentary I miss so much since coming abroad. Also, the photos of your son are just ridiculously adorable. And I love your comments on my HNT posts, even if I suspect that those are sometimes the only posts I can count on you to read. ;)

Jake of Facts and Friction, I lessthanthree your blog! Of course, it goes without saying that I LOVE your HNT photos, Jake. *sigh.* But you knew that. Aside from the obvious hotness (seriously, dude, those abs? Not even fair...I'm digressing.), I love your not-quite-sarcastic tone. I get the impression you know more than your 19 years let on. And I've told you that your writing reminds me of Friend, which is always a good thing. I get the impression you and I would be good friends - and I always look forward to your emails. I know University keeps you busy, but I do so enjoy hearing about your escapades and conquests. And remember, it should always be a walk of fame.

Merlin, I lessthanthree your blog! Your words are poignant, stunning, and incredibly powerful. I can feel the connection you and Nimue have for one other through your words and both your recounts of your time together. If I ever had any doubt that an affair could be as loving, fulfilling and important as a "traditional relationship" (which is questionable if I've thought that since I started having sex), you have banished every trace. You are both so eloquent and I so admire your writing that I am always genuinely flattered when you comment here. Here's hoping there are more reunions (and reading material for us!) in the near future.

Wilhelmina Wang (of Heartbreak Nymphomania), I lessthanthree your blog! Wilhelmina, you are another kindred spirit in the blogosphere that makes existing here so much more fun and exciting. I love seeing you exploring everything that accompanies blogging, and it's genuinely fascinating to see parallels in your experience abroad and mine. It does help me feel not so alone. Also, I must admit I'm sufficiently jealous of your sexploits of late. Damn living out my top fantasy. I'm always looking forward to the next post. And I should add, I adore that your HNT posts always reveal something more than your body, as well.

*pants* That's a lot of love. Of course, I couldn't include everyone I read regularly, especially considering how many of you I do read on a very regular basis. But do know that each of you has made this whole blogging experience something so much more than, and have added to the addiction that this thing has become. (Don't worry, it's a good thing.) Perhaps it's because I'm away in a strange place, but it really is nice to know there is such good, smart, sex-positive energy floating around in literally every corner of the world.

Besos.

The aftermath.

First off, I must thank everyone for their support following my last entry. I was pretty shaken up and angry when I wrote it, and with your help (and, admittedly, some well-timed social reconciliation with my best friend) I'm able to look at it as a negative experience, but one that won't define me. Roland, I promise not let it ruin my entire Spanish experience, although I suppose it will inform it from this point forward. I also appreciate those who shared their own experiences either through comments or blogs. Once again, you all are a sort of safety net that it's wonderful to know I have.

And now on to the aftermath. Which, for me, is almost always an intellectual thing. (I'm also back in classes and recharging my brain for academia, which hopefully means posts will lean more that direction for the next few months until I shut off my brain again for winter break.) As of late, I have been struggling, mentally and morally (which isn't quite the right word but will have to suffice) with my interest in BDSM. I suppose for the most part they are standard questions. How can I be a rape survivor who enjoys and indeed desires very aggressive, dominating and violent sex? Can I be a feminist and still desire the same? At the same time, how can I advocate for sexual freedom of choice and practice and equality and still hold internal issues that don't allow me to fully accept my own identity? How will I know where my limits really are, and how far am I willing to go to explore those limits? And even, once I find them, how do I interpret them and integrate them into my life, sexual or otherwise?

I was most concerned with the first several, and generally figured that the latter are more experience-based and would eventually be established. As for those first, more theoretical questions? Well, I wasn't so sure how I'd get those answered. In the midst of re-reading Gayle Rubin's call for a radical sexual politics and being assaulted, I think I found the answer.

The difference between "good sex" (as Rubin refers to it, a la right or condonable sex and sexuality) and "bad sex" (obviously, the opposite, or unacceptable, amoral sex) is the question of consent. It has nothing to do with specific behavior or acts being acceptable and others being categorically wrong. It isn't wrong to hit someone if they've consented to being hit (without coercion, of course... all this should be read with a filter of "fully-informed and willful consent"). By the same token, it is wrong to touch someone, even gently, if they haven't given you express consent.

Before people jump on me about the term "express consent," no, I don't think that necessarily means that every time you want to hug a friend, you need to ask if it's all right to do so. Although that might not be such a terrible idea. I know, for example, that my dear Essin' Em has been rightfully called "the queen of consent," and indeed, she does ask before she gives hugs. And consequently, I've never felt that she's invaded my personal space. I can't say the same about others, even those I consider friends. Sometimes you don't want to be touched, don't want to be talked to, don't want to be involved. Rather, what I mean by express consent is that the person must make it clear that they want whatever is being done to them (I'm writing this from the perspective of a sub, but consent goes both ways, of course). Any question about consent needs to be clarified. Beforehand. Or during. It is never, ever an excuse to say "Oh, but I thought you wanted that..."

And as Merlin mentioned this in his comment on my assault entry, consent can also be revoked at any time. I know this is an issue discussed regularly in the BDSM community (and rightly so). I believe several other communities and indeed, most people would do well to give more thought and attention to the idea of consent and its...fluidity. I have spoken with vanilla, straight friends who tell me that they experimented with something new sexually and decided they didn't like it (way to be GGG, though!), but their partner assumed that since they had consented once, he or she automatically had access to this behavior. Uhm, no.

I suppose all of this isn't especially news to anyone, but the idea to me was somewhat novel that consent is what delineates the good from the bad. I'm content with the idea that there is no bad sex, other than that which doesn't involve equal and free consent of all those involved. (The issue of who, precisely, is capable of giving consent is another concern and entry all together.) The idea that it isn't wrong for me to like to be tied up, hit, talked down to and fucked hard with a partner (or partners) who I trust and have consented to being with, is an incredibly freeing sensation. At the same time, it allows me to know that that doesn't by any means that I should have enjoyed those men who were groping me in the street last weekend, although they may have exerted much less force than some partners I've been with. Indeed, in other situations, I've been quite proud to wear bruises as a marker of time well-spent. But that doesn't mean I have to enjoy any and all behavior that resembles that which I do sometimes enjoy in the bedroom (or dungeon, or or or...). And I believe this allows me to, for the most part, reconcile my liberal, pro-equality and sexual freedom and feminist views with my actual life practices.

It's still a work in progress, but I can gladly say that something positive and affirming came out of this negative and discouraging situation.

And I'm already working on HNT ideas. I can finally upload photos from my digital camera. Huzzah.