4.08 The low down on the get down

My boyfriend and I recently started experimenting with role-playing. I’m into it, but the scenarios he comes up with are, well, lame. He always suggests that I be a nurse or a French maid, and he always wants to be a cop or the UPS guy. Have any other ideas that aren’t so cliché?

Oh, do I ever! While there are many tried-and-true role-play fantasies out there (and it seems your boyfriend’s quite familiar with those), “Nearly any role could become the base material for an erotic experience, and there is no limit to what objects an individual can consider erotic,” Wikipedia tells us.

For once, Wikipedia got something right. Material for fantasies comes from any and all aspects of your life – dreams, wishes, even fears and doubts. You’re only limited by the time and money you want to spend on the adventure. If you’re looking for an elaborate set up involving costumes, you could play the role of Fay while your boyfriend dons a gorilla suit and embodies King Kong.

If that’s a little too far-fetched for you, try taking something from your past and acting it out. Many of us loved Aladdin when we were kids, so if that was one of your favorites, hit up a costume shop and spend an evening really exploring “A Whole New World.” Considering Disney flicks are jam-packed with innuendo anyway, you shouldn’t have much trouble finding fodder for your fantasies.

The key to any good fantasy, especially successful role-playing, is losing yourself in the role. When you do, you can get rid of all those inhibitions that tell you not to be silly, crazy, kinky, or whatever. Just like Mom and Dad always told you growing up, you can be anything you want to be.

I desperately need your help – I’m a 24-year-old virgin who hasn’t been out on many dates. By some twist of fate, I was just invited to a sex party. I really want to go, but I don’t want to embarrass myself and risk my chances of finally hooking up with a girl.

Well, dear reader, without details about the specific kind of sex party you’re about to attend, I can only give you general advice. Here are some tips that will help you out at any party – even ones requiring clothing.

Before you leave, remember that hygiene counts for quite a bit – even the most likeable social butterfly comes off as a sketch ball when not showered and in a stained T-shirt. There’s no need for a three-piece suit, but a nice pair of pants and a button-down wouldn’t hurt. Unless, of course, the party’s themed, in which case you’ll want to dress appropriately. Also, don’t hesitate to talk to the host or the person who invited you beforehand – if you let him or her know you’re new to this, you just might get your very own tutor.

Once you’re in the door, remember those manners your mother taught you oh-so-many years ago. You know, like the one where you introduce yourself and ask permission before jumping in on any live action. That way you can avoid being the unknown creeper whacking off in the corner.

All in all, if there were ever a time to suck up your social awkwardness and jump into the deep end, it’s now. Mind your manners (and your condoms), be honest and open, and you may find yourself not just testing the waters of sex, but swimming in them.

3.08 The low down on the get down

My boyfriend has told me that dirty talk really turns him on, but I have no idea what to say. How do I go about it without sounding stupid, or freaking him out and turning him off?

The fact that your boyfriend asked you to talk dirty to him obviously means he isn’t going to be turned off by you actually talking dirty. If you’re not the talkative type, you’re probably not prone to saying anything too freaky anyway.

Now, the most important thing about dirty talk is keeping the flow going. It’s a little like talking to a baby. It doesn’t matter what you say, so much as how you say it. That said, there are some words that are pretty safe bets. Any combination of “cock,” “huge,” and “fuck,” is probably OK. Thanks to years of mainstream porn, most guys are conditioned to find swear words aggressively sexy when used in the heat of the moment.

Similarly, it’s also a safe bet to avoid words like “tiny,” “yawn,” and “George W.” A poll of the easily accessible, heterosexual, and sexually active men in my life revealed that they’re pretty open to you calling them just about anything. One even said, “Hell, she can call me a fucking bastard if she says it right.” Now that might not be exactly what your boyfriend likes, but if you’re still unsure, ask him to lead by example. Then take a deep breath, enjoy the moment, and start talking.

I really love the feeling of having raw sex with my girlfriend, but I’m worried about pregnancy and STIs. I’ve tried pulling out, but I think it’s too risky. Are there other ways I can have safe sex without a condom?

I usually use my little space here to try and answer questions with some kind of humorous edge, but frankly, I don’t think there’s much to joke about with safer sex. It’s pretty serious business.

You probably know that the most effective form of protection from sexually transmitted infections and pregnancy is a condom. They’re over 99 percent effective when used correctly. However, if you and your partner are exclusive, and you’ve both been tested for STIs including HIV and HPV (neither of which are included in regular STI screenings), there are several options open to you.

If your girlfriend is willing to use prescribed medication, there are many varieties of the Pill, which is over 98 percent effective. There are also other methods, including the Ring and Patch, which both use hormones almost identical to those in the Pill. The Shot lasts for three months, offers similar protection to the Pill, and is almost 97 percent effective. Less invasive methods include the diaphragm, sponge, and spermicidal lubricants, but these are less reliable.

Deciding on what’s right for you and your partner is a crucial decision, so use this information as a starting point, but don’t hesitate to talk to a professional to get the whole low down on the get down.

The lowdown on the get down (Dec. 07)

While my girlfriend and I were talking about ways to spice up our sex life, she mentioned she'd be interested in a threesome. I'm definitely up for it, but we're both a little confused on the details of how to have sex with each other and another girl. Any tips?


The key to a good threesome is the key to a great relationship: communication. You and your girl already seem comfortable talking to one another, so you've got your foot in the door. Sometimes the trickiest of arranging a menage a trois is finding that third person who's as comfortable with the two of you as you are with each other. Once you've secured a third partner, you have to set up the rules of engagement before you get down to playing the game.
Talk with everyone about what they are and are not OK with doing. Be open - this is no time to hold back. Lay everyone's expectations on the table, to make sure you're all on the same page. As a group, you might decide that intercourse is reserved for you and your girlfriend, but oral, manual or anal sex is OK for everyone involved; or you might deem everything fair play. Whatever you decide, it needs to be something that everyone is completely comfortable with.
That's not to say the experience won't be a little awkward or bumpy - just like losing your virginity. But now, as then, you'll improve with practice. Go in with an open mind, a good sense of humor, and a full box of condoms.


My roommate and I have a lot in common. We like similar music, art and girls. I'm out [of the closet] to my family and friends, but she's only just starting the coming out process. How can I get her to see me as more than just a roommate?


Despite what the Grimm brothers would have us believe, there is no magic spell to make someone fall for you. Life would be too easy if that were the case. There are, however, things you can do to try to get her to realize you're more than just a great roommate.
Of course, you first need to clarify your intentions. If you're looking for a serious relationship, then your approach will likely require a good deal more time and effort than a simple seduction (if such a thing existed). Either way, you'll want to highlight the things you both have in common. The more of a connection she feels with you, the more likely she'll realize how you feel. Once you've established that connection, it's up to you to personalize you tactics in ways you think would attract her. One note of caution: Roommate sex is always convenient, but if the relationship goes awry, you can be left with an uncomfortable, awkward living situation.
Also keep in mind that if she isn't oped about her sexuality yet, she may have some reservations about what you two do outside the apartment. Of course, you also have the advantage in being roommates, since that gives you plenty of alone time to turn into - you guessed it - sexytime.

The lowdown on the get down (Nov. 07)

My friends and I got into a debate the other night about what some of the most feasible dirty sex acts were. We ended up disagreeing on what, exactly, the definition or a "Dirty Sanchez" is. Can you help us out?


Well, dear reader, I'm not sure what kind of parties you and your friends are having, but clearly, I need to start attending. Anyway, on to the task at hand. There actually seems to be a significant amount of confusion over the details of what constitutes a Dirty Sanchez. All agree, however, that it has a hideously uncomfortable name.
Even our friends at urbandictionary.com express some disagreement over the subject. There do seem to be some recurring themes, however. While readers can't quite decide about the exact mode, reader S.D.S. summarized it best - "it doesn't matter how you do it. It's a fecal moustache."
The Dirty Sanchez (whose name actually originates from a notoriously vile Mexican soccer player) invovles, essentially, some kind of anal penetration and the smearing of the fecal matter that accompanies that on the partner's upper lip. Of course, you're welcome to get creative about what, precisely, does the penetrating; the most common are a penis or a finger.
So there's your definition. Now as to your conclusion that this is one of the most feasible dirty sex acts, I don't know that I'd agree with you, but I'm not one to judge.



I recognized a similarity to my own sexual habits in last month's question about exhibitionism. But my kink is a little different. I find I have the best orgasms when I'm in public - by myself. Any suggestions for a guy like me?


You're right, you are in a different situation than last month's reader. Either you don't have a partner to get down with, or your hand just happens to be the best partner you've encountered. You could adopt any of the solutions I prescribed last month, but I have a feeling you're not going to settle for that. So, consider these next options, but do proceed with caution, and bear in mind that not everyone enjoys exhibitionism as much as you do.
My guess is you get off on the thought of being caught red-handed, so anywhere that you aren't supposed to be doing what you're doing will give you a rush. Start out somewhere a little less public, like your dorm room shower. I promise you won't be the first. If you're comfortable with it, you can always try getting your rocks off in a public restroom - no, not the Senator Craig way - in a solo show. The key here is to be creative without being terribly overt. Movie theaters are dark and if you can find an unoccupied back corner, you may have it made. Just remember to be courteous and bring a tissue.

The lowdown on the get down (Oct. 07)

This summer my girlfriend and I were hooking up when my parents unexpectedly walked into the room - everyone's worst nightmare, right? Well, here's the thing...it kind of turned me on. How can I take it further without subjecting my parents to any more peep shows?


Don't worry, there are many ways you can satisfy your exhibitionist tendencies without risking the embarrassment of your situation with your parents or the hassle of a public indecency ticket.
You could start by placing a mirror where you can see yourself in action. Watching yourself in a mirror can give you the sense that you're a third person sneaking a peek. You can also leave the blinds up when you and your girl are going at it. I might discourage this if you live on the ground floor, or if your window looks directly into your neighbor's kitchen - you don't want to be that close with the neighbors.
Ask your girlfriend if she might let you "accidentally" watch her undress. Even the most mundane things are more intriguing when we aren't supposed to see them. Why do you think celebrity tabloids are so successful? Speaking of celebrities, you could always go the route of countless A-listers and make your very own sex tape. Of course, you have to make completely sure everyone involved is OK with being recorded, and you might want to plan on taping over your video before heading home for the holidays. After all, mom and dad have seen enough already.


My boyfriend has this weird fetish. He says he can only have an orgasm if he's humping something - my breasts, a pillow, etc. The problem is that I'm not ready to have sex with him. What should I do?


You've actually already started to answer your own question, but I'll be happy to lend a few words of advice.
If your boyfriend can only get off by humping something - which may or may not really be the case - you could always let him do just that. If him rubbing himself between your breasts sounds like something you might enjoy, then give it a shot. If not, there are numerous other options including oral sex, mutual masturbation (don't let him forget that you want to have a good time, too), and dry humping. And never underestimate the value of a good sex toy to spice things up.
I might also suggest you avoid characterizing his fetish as "weird." I've heard much more bizarre stories and it tends to make people defensive when something as personal as their sex lives are criticized. In the end, it's up to you to experiment and find out what you're comfortable with. You might end up trying something you discover you enjoy. Then again, you might decide this is a deal breaker and you're ready to move on to the next, more vanilla guy, and leave this one to his pillows.