Friday, September 12, 2008

i can has answers?

Guilt: I usually try to avoid it, and I usually do a pretty good job. But now it's gotten a little bit trickier.

So, you all remember David, yeah? The walk-of-shame, yet enjoyable one night stand. Who then facebooked me a few days later. And his status said married. And I chalked it up to whatever - he'd mentioned that he had a daughter, but told me that he and the mother weren't together anymore, that's fine, I'm not going to ask for legal proof. The message he sent was very simple, and I sent back an equally simple (and innocent, might I add) message saying "wow. Hi! How are you? I'm assuming you made it back to England in one piece?" I figured maybe a little facebook messaging back and forth and that would be the long and short of it.

Instead, today when I checked my messages, there was a message from his wife. Or the woman who's listed as such on his status. And it said "I just wanted to thank you for ruining a nice family of five."

I've tried telling myself that it's not my fault, and that this could easily be his buddies fucking with me, or just his jealous ex (or current) girlfriend/wife/whatever. I don't actually, logically, think I have anything to feel guilty for. He was absolutely leading the charge, and while sure, to be cliche, it takes two to tango, I know I didn't really have any responsibility to this other woman, seeing as how I'm not the one in a relationship (past or present) with her.

But here's the catch. I actually do feel guilty. This is all probably not helped by the fact that I have some wicked respiratory infection right now and consequently feel like shit physically, too. But this is giving me that sick, knotted feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like when I know I've done something wrong but don't want to admit it.

So, my dear readers: Did I do something wrong? Or am I correct in thinking that my culpability in this situation is relatively low? (Presuming, of course, that this isn't just his buddies fucking with me.) I'd love to hear your thoughts. What's the verdict: miscommunication or homewrecking whore?

*sigh* I need a hug. And I kind of want to go home.


Anonymous said...

You truly arn't responsible for what happend. You truly didn't know that he was still with someone. Your not a bad person they wouldn't feel bad about sleeping with him at all (even if they knew befor hand). It's ggod that you feel remourse for what happend. But don't beat your self up about it he was the one who did the cheating.


"In life every thing can be right or wrong but in the end the only thing that matters are your true intentions"

Southern Sage said...

You didn't cheat.
Don't feel guilty
unless you kidnapped and raped him its pretty much all on him.

Anaïs Satire said...

Guilty is because you have a heart.

But you are not guilty of relationship suicide.

That woman is miserable and so is he. He threw you under the bus, remember that. Cause if he had his affairs in order you wouldn't have received such a childish message.

You hold your head high darlin'.

Amalthea said...

*HUGS AND HUGS AND HUGS* I need a hug too!!! I'll just hug you in my head for the rest of the night. I came on-line tonight to blog, but ended up reading first, and I'm glad I did. You gorgeous wonderful free thing you, don't feel guilty. It proves how wonderful you are that you do, but you don't need to. And don't let this and a little infection make you want to come home! You're out there being free in the big wide world, enjoy it. If he wasn't honest and upfront then what did you do wrong? There was no way you could have known. Just sleeping with a father isn't wrong, even parents need love too. ;) In fact, for all you know, you did him a favor. The others who have already commented have said some of the things I would have about this subject but I'll just add this: An outsider cannot ruin a relationship. They can only be ruined from inside. I firmly believe that.

You are free and clear, no matter how bad you feel. You should be wary of his wanting to be 'friends' now though, since he did sleep with you and likely did not divulge the entire truth and also likely admitted it to his wife - thereby throwing you under a bus that he put you under without your knowledge. Not cool. I'd block him and go sleep off the ick that has you down.

Merlin said...

I've always been of the opinion that you need the consent of the person you are making love to, but not any s.o. or spouse. It is up to that person to fulfill any commitments or promises he or she made, not you.

So, guilt begone. But it would be kind of you to help him deal with whatever consequences he is facing.

meraphis said...

Holy misplaced blame Batman. I am constantly blown away that women will generally blame the other woman, b/c it's easier than owning up to the fact that her partner is a jerk who doesn't have the feelings for her (or the respect) that he implied. It was not your job to do an FBI background report on an individual before sleeping with him. Further, he lied to YOU (ostensibly), compounding his ass-ish-ness. Guilty? You should just be grateful YOU aren't the one stuck with him. That is all.

Amalthea said...

Just a note? I disagree with Merlin. Don't help him deal with it. It's only going to keep you from letting go of the guilt, and he did it to himself, it also fosters the idea in his mind that you were culpable and could keep you in her sights, you should in NO way deal with someone who can't handle his own responsibilities.

<3 some more. And more hugs. And hopefully some healing of the physical and emotional variety.