Wednesday, August 6, 2008

TILTS: I'm worth more

I figure I'll start out with the biggest one. Mostly because that's what's on my mind right now. As far as relationships go, I'm worth more than I've historically settled for. I've come to this conclusion with the help of a number of people.

One is the guy I've been seeing (sort of) all summer. Who asked that I not write about him, but this is relevant, and nothing bad. I've had a great time hanging out with him in a variety of capacities. When I'm with him, I feel confident and smart and relaxed and even sexy. Those are almost all new sensations for me. He's smart and charming and talented and fucking adorable. But he can be a little flakey - which I can deal with. We've been very clear about the terms of our friendship/relationship (which I use here as a synonym for friendship), and I've been happy to accept them. I like to think I make him happy when I'm with him, too. So he's helped me realize I deserve to feel like that. I deserve to feel wanted and intelligent and sexy and worthwhile. I deserve to be with someone who makes me feel like that all the time and who, at the same time, understands that I need my space sometimes. I don't want a life partner right now. I still don't know how I'd do with an exclusive relationship (although I've done well with this non-exclusive one, oddly enough), but I deserve to be with someone who I don't have to compromise for. And I deserve to be more than their friend. I deserve to be taken out, to go dancing, to dinner, or invited over to cuddle and watch movies. That's the part that's missing right now. But I thank him for helping me realize that.

One is my friends this summer. Many of them aren't around anymore. I've lost more than a few long-time friends this summer, largely through my own doing. But the ones that stuck around have been beyond amazing. Supportive, and accepting, and fun and entertaining and encouraging and intelligent and genuine. They've helped me realize that I'm worth more, but also, that I don't have to put up with shit from people who are friends only in name. I deserve to be around awesome people who realize that I'm actually a pretty awesome person, too. Anyone who doesn't see that, well, they aren't worth my time.

My bosses and editors at the paper. They helped me realize that I deserve a job where I can do what I'm passionate about in a form I'm good at. They've encouraged me to try for bigger stories, bigger things, and better articles. I needed that encouragement. So they've shown me that I'm worth more professionally.

My readers - you all have been more encouraging than you know. I love knowing that people are reading and enjoying my writing, and your advice, sense of humor and genuine intellect has only been a positive influence. You've shown me that I'm worth more in my writing and that I'm not just writing for the faceless blogosphere.

Overall, this summer, I've learned that I don't have to settle. I can be in a healthy relationship. I can maintain friendships and even build new ones. I can have a fantastic job where I'm happy. I don't have to sell myself short and I'm worth a hell of a lot more than what I've been settling for in the past. I don't plan to settle again. Thank you to everyone who helped me realize that.

1 comment:

Amalthea said...

What a lovely idea the What I Learned This Summer post was, and this one along those lines as well.

I barely know of you and I think you're amazing. I love reading that you're feeling it too and finding your worth. The earlier you do that, the better, but it's a lesson I keep having to learn.

Isn't it sad how it sometimes takes others to show us our own worth? It's also beautiful to me, it reminds me why we need others, why we're social creatures, why people are one of the most fascinating and amazing things around, and that one day someone might love me like my cats do. ;)