Tuesday, February 3, 2009

We've got a lot of maybes to muddle through...

I just wrote some giant block of text blathering on about all sorts of bullshit that isn't even marginally related to this blog. I need to keep things reined in. So I suppose I'll do a brief update. I'm still almost too excited to function about my trip to the City this weekend. I'm not even going to enumerate my plans, because I don't want to jinx them. So in other sexuality news:

Bear and I seem to be fine. Back to flirting, talking, interacting like we always have. I'm impressed. I wasn't entirely sure that he'd be comfortable/capable of just letting the sex be just that and nothing particularly more. Of course, we talked about it, like grownups. That might have had some influence. He teased me about leaving him this weekend for the City. And really, I should have invited him, but I need this time away from everyone at school, for my own mental health. I'm rather different when I'm away from all these people and the stresses of school. I'm not sure he'd really recognize me. Maybe someday I'll work him up to it.

As of late, both Essin' Em and Roland Hulme have written about cohabitation. Both, more or less (forgive me for the reductive summary) advocating away from the societal tendency to jump into an apartment with a significant other. In general, I agree with that. I've never even come close to living with a significant other. But, on the other hand, I know for a fact that I HATE living alone. Even when my roommates are gone for a weekend and I'm left home alone, I get antsy, bored, and depressed. I can't decide if this makes me codependent, but I think it probably does. I should concede that while I hate being alone, I absolutely have to have my own space. I could never share a one bedroom apartment with a roommate where we had nowhere to have our own private spaces. Actually, that was part of the problem in Spain, and why I tended to stay with friends so often. But what I'm wondering, in light of Em and Roland's articles: Does this need to be around people make me more likely to jump into a cohabitative situation preemptively? I'd like to say no. I'd like to say that I'm a smart girl and I'd give it some serious thought before I'd move into a shared space, certainly with a significant other (or two).

At the same time, my desire to live with someone has meant in the past that I've ended up with some more than shady roommates. Serious criminal activity has been involved, on one ocassion. So I get worried sometimes that I might not have the foresight to see that I'm getting myself in over my head. I don't really have an answer... Perhaps Em or Roland can offer their opinions... How do those of us who admittedly need to live with people avoid ruining our relationships by doing so? I know cohabitiation is of course an individual choice and preference, and must be taken on a case-by-case basis... I suppose more than anything, I'm just offering another viewpoint. Which is different for me, because I often find myself agreeing with these two.

I leave you with my latest favorite song by my still favorite artist. I'm hoping I'll be interviewing him this weekend, also. I have to figure out how to get into his concert, first. His name is Jay Brannan. And if you haven't heard of him yet, you should. Enjoy.


Roland Hulme said...

I see your point! Actually, i loved living with roommates - but then again, there was a nice emotional distance which isn't always possible with a partner or lover.

I remember visiting America for eight months and having to choose between living on my own in a studio or sharing a house with four people. I picked the people and it was AWESOME. Automatic friends and a social life and people to look forward to coming home to.

We did have our spats, but in the end, living with people was much better.

That's why Essin' Em's compromise of living together, but having seperate rooms seems like a nice one.

Merlin said...

Your sentiment demonstrates why there is such a bias toward cohabitation: though you value privacy, you get so freaking lonely by yourself, especially if you have any interest in sex.

Separate rooms may work, but sharing bathrooms and kitchen space may be a source of tension too. A communal living arrangement would seem ideal, though egos and politics make such communes more ideal than reality.

Amalthea said...

I have to say I read Em's and Roland's stuff too on this and sat there really thinking for a bit. I have a history of not living well with roommates. I'm probably hard to live with, haha, maybe a lot hard to live with. I like my space, my time, my naked time, my pets... all of it. However, I know I am better when I have someone to take care of (that I WANT to take care of). For me, living with someone is the eventual goal of the relationship in my head... because I don't know yet how I feel about more than that, but I do know I'd LIKE to live with someone. I'd really love to find someone, be it FWB or BF or SO, who I enjoy and could cohabit with. While my ideal situation would involve 3 bedrooms (1 for 'us', me, and them) and someone who could love my furbabies half as much as I do - which is a helluva tall order - I want it. A lot.

I understand the desire to not always be alone, even if you enjoy and appreciate being alone on a regular basis.

(Should it really be so surprising we agree on this too?!?)

Amalthea said...

OH and I kept myself up until the wee hours the other night (pre reading this) with the idea of how much better grad school would have been had we all moved into an apartment block/commune style grad housing situation.

Essin' Em said...

Interestingly enough, some of my readers and some of my friends have pointed out that they never cohabited well with roommates, but they lived well with partners. So maybe I will be a cohabiter.

However, I think, in response to your question, you have a good head on your shoulders...and you know your emotions. I mean, yes, maybe at some point you'll hop into pre-mature or unplanned cohabitation. Sometimes our emotions win. Come on- my relationship with F was ridiculously unhealthly, but the sex was phenomenal and I have this thing about wanting to be loved. So yes, sometimes emotions win.

But KNOWING that you are prone to want to co-habit, whether or not you're ready to, gives you power. Regardless of your decision, you can look at the situation in front of you knowing yourself, knowing that you prefer living with others, knowing your emotions, and can therefore make a more educated decision then.