Sunday, February 15, 2009

The truth about valentine's day.

Compliments of PostSecret. (Also, I enjoy the fact that the title of this image, the link to it, is "ohdeargodno")

It's funny. I read this, and realized how incredibly on point it is for my reaction to strong feelings. Some of it, probably, can be seen in my stated aversion to "mush," in my hesitance to ever allow myself to be called anyone's girlfriend.

And consequently, although perhaps less obviously, in my vehement personal reaction to strong emotions I feel. Like some scared teenager, I shy away from strong emotions. Sure, I love my friends, and I tell them as much on a regular basis. But beyond that, when things really start to get serious? I don't have the slightest idea how to handle that. I don't know how to process emotions that require me to be vulnerable. Not anymore, at least.

Of course, that doesn't mean I don't have those emotions. It just means, perhaps, that I bury them deep inside and don't ever let them see the light of day. Ha. It's one of those funny-cause-it's-true kind of things. I really can't say more about any of this in hopes of not jinxing myself or my situation. But it is times like this when my imagination is a very dangerous thing.

Then again, sometimes so are my fantasies, when I can't so much find them arousing as intriguing, as peaceful, as happy. That concerns me, because I understand my desire, plain and simple. But when it's complicated by something more, I nearly always tend to screw it up. And I'd rather not.


Roland Hulme said...

Very enigmatic post, but I love the 'post secret' card. Hope all is going well and my non-jinxing fingers are crossed for you.

Merlin said...

I am left to wonder why your strong emotions scare you. Fulfilling them would lead to equally strong pleasures.

"I don't know how to process emotions that require me to be vulnerable. Not anymore, at least." But vulnerability is a precondition to feeling what you need to feel.

You need to be dashed against the rocks in order to know how good it feels to float over them.

Amalthea said...

I think you're so freaking cute!! That is absolutely one of the postcards I saved to my computer and I had the same moment over the title.

I feel the same when it comes to strong love/attachment feelings. It was even hard for me to get close to my BFF, but I forced myself to trust her. It was the right thing to do. I think this kind of reaction happens to those who were either forced to be vulnerable to others growing up and had that vulnerability exploited, or have been that way many times with others and had it abused. It can also just result from soul deep wounds from past vulnerabilities.

Wub and support, like usual.

Anonymous said...

To expand on what Merlin said "But vulnerability is a precondition to feeling what you need to feel." I agree with this you your self has already made your self vulnerable because you know that if that person did someting to displease you there would still be the affect. What you are doing is not alowing that other person know the vulnerability that you have and doing so you render yourself deffencless because they don't know how you feel they won't know the extent of the affect that they have on you. Where as if you tell this person the extent of the pain they could cause you and in by doing so they can only be a True ass if they atempt to use the way you felt aginst you.

Aslo I want to extend that because i fell that you are more affraid of getting hurt by that person affter you have been together. Thats True there in no way to avoid that pain once you have been with someone and sepperate the hurt is always there for both sides. But the msot important thing is that you are still friends (or at least can be if you decide to anyway) and that at one point in time the two of you felt as strong as you did. The important thing in life is to know that we have somekind of love for that person and that they are only trying to obtain the same thing everyone else is. To be as happy as possible.