But I can't make myself write. I can't do much of anything. I'm trying desperately hard to be productive with school, and to stuff my emotions down deep inside me until a more convenient time... a time when I'm not tens of thousands of miles from home (ok, tens of thousands of kilometres, maybe), a time when I don't have midterms to take, a time when I'm not so utterly alone. A time when I don't have a feature article due in two days.
I still can't make myself write. Nothing I have to say seems important. Or relevant.
At the same time, I can't pull my eyes away from the computer. I'm clinging desperately to the messages I've received from friends - old, new, and yet-to-meet. Family and I are exchanging daily messages reminding that we love one another. The remaining cousins (god that sounds awful), along with Kirsten's fiancee/boyfriend/partner, who we're calling our newest cousin, are all coming to visit Colorado in the winter, when I'll be back.
But that doesn't help for right now. And virtual hugs can only go so far. Although I very much appreciate them, and all the support I've gotten from you, the blogosphere as well.
And even though I may return
To empty places on my own
Where I remember everything you want me to forget
And you provide the parachute
When I am falling like a stone
But I remember there's a life that I have not lived yet
-OceanLab, Breaking Ties
I just want to be able to function again. But I can't make myself do anything. Except sleep and cry. Eating isn't appealing, and everywhere I look reminds me of her. Reminds me of how far away I am.
I'm trying not to miserable. I really am. I went on a field trip this weekend. I had fun for a few minutes. I jumped off another cliff. But I didn't speak to anyone on the trip. Not about anything of consequence. Then again, nothing seems of consequence to begin with. But I solidified my position as the weirdly quiet loner girl in this program. Which is ironic, because any of you who know me in person know that while I'm weird, quiet and loner are not words generally used to describe me. If anything, I'm usually overly chatty and I hate being alone. I'm hyper-social with my friends. But not here. I don't belong here. I don't want to be here right now.
I'm trying not to think about that. I know she wouldn't want me coming back, giving up this opportunity... but I'm really not sure I can keep going here. I really don't know. I don't think I'm strong enough.
Because, shit, when there are no words left, what do I have? Where does that leave me?
Starring:
- Sasha Sappho
- I am passionate. A fierce liberal. I throw myself wholly into everything I do and hope I don't hit the ground too hard if I fall. I am forever curious and have an insatiable appetite for knowledge and learning. I hold my friends closer to my heart than anything in this world and once you're in, I would do anything for you. I pride myself on where I came from and what I am making of myself. What that is, exactly, evolves daily. And I wouldn't have it any other way. If you've got fantastic stories to tell me, books I should read, etc etc, e-mail me at sashasappho at gmail dot com. The stories, rants, and content herein may likely be explicit - so if you're under 18 (21 in some places) or find such things objectionable, find a different site to explore.
Featuring...
A constantly changing cast of the people in my life who tend to appear in this blog.
The Optimist - A friend of several friends who I was introduced to in the beginning of summer 2009, with major consequences. He pretty effectively swept me off my feet, and continues to astound me regularly. I don't get to see him as often as I would like, but that makes the time we do spend together that much more enjoyable. Stay tuned. He does read this blog.
Friend - I've known him since we were children, and as of the past few years, we've developed a particularly strong friendship (yes, sometimes there are benefits included). He's a fellow intellectual and non-monogamist, and we both tend to enjoy bouncing hypothetical relationship or sexual theories off one another. He's actually one of my most consistent partners, and there's a lot of love there. He does read this blog. (Never comments, though, you ass!)
The Pilot - A mutual friend of mine and Friend's from childhood. We've recently reconnected in the past year or so, and Friend and I spent my senior year spring break with him. He's an incredible friend, another fellow intellectual, and while a little newer to the non-monogamy thing, seems eager to make it work. He doesn't seem to mind my neuroses in talking to him on a daily basis. To quote him, he's weird... but in a totally awesome way. He reads this blog.
Bear - my best male friend at college. We're polar opposites in many ways, but that's part of why we're so good together. We joked about being friends with sexual tension for three years before we finally had sex. There was surprisingly little ensuing awkwardness. He now refers to me solely as "love." I love him dearly, and I don't know what I'd do without him. He also reads this blog.
Non-boyfriend - An old friend who I casually dated for a summer after my First Love. There were some complications, but overall the relationship was wonderful. He was kind, intelligent, we got along famously, and he's still rather dear to me. Things ended because I was leaving, but the split was certainly amicable. We are still on friendly terms and see one another, socially, regularly when we're both in town. Reads this blog. (Or at least he used to.)
P - Probably my closest friend since starting high school. We've dated, fallen in love with each other, and fought, and for a good long time I firmly believed he was my soulmate. I don't believe that anymore, but I do still care about him. He doesn't know about this blog, although I've contemplated telling him many times.
Jacob - We had an ongoing, on-again, off-again romance for several years. I have recently ended things because he needed me to be something I couldn't be. But I hold no ill feelings toward him and wish him well. He reads this blog.
The Optimist - A friend of several friends who I was introduced to in the beginning of summer 2009, with major consequences. He pretty effectively swept me off my feet, and continues to astound me regularly. I don't get to see him as often as I would like, but that makes the time we do spend together that much more enjoyable. Stay tuned. He does read this blog.
The Scientist - One of my oldest and most consistent friends. We met in high school and kept in regular contact through college. We've gone through so incredibly much that it's at once shocking and brilliant that we are still such good friends. Sometimes we sleep together, but mostly we just care very deeply for each other. He reads this blog.
Friend - I've known him since we were children, and as of the past few years, we've developed a particularly strong friendship (yes, sometimes there are benefits included). He's a fellow intellectual and non-monogamist, and we both tend to enjoy bouncing hypothetical relationship or sexual theories off one another. He's actually one of my most consistent partners, and there's a lot of love there. He does read this blog. (Never comments, though, you ass!)
The Pilot - A mutual friend of mine and Friend's from childhood. We've recently reconnected in the past year or so, and Friend and I spent my senior year spring break with him. He's an incredible friend, another fellow intellectual, and while a little newer to the non-monogamy thing, seems eager to make it work. He doesn't seem to mind my neuroses in talking to him on a daily basis. To quote him, he's weird... but in a totally awesome way. He reads this blog.
Edward - Spent a decade in my life before he removed himself by saying terrible, abusive and destructive things to me in the spring of 2009. He still tries to call me and contact me and has resorted to stalking me to try to get "answers" he feels I deprived him of. I do not speak to him or have any contact with him.
Bear - my best male friend at college. We're polar opposites in many ways, but that's part of why we're so good together. We joked about being friends with sexual tension for three years before we finally had sex. There was surprisingly little ensuing awkwardness. He now refers to me solely as "love." I love him dearly, and I don't know what I'd do without him. He also reads this blog.
Non-boyfriend - An old friend who I casually dated for a summer after my First Love. There were some complications, but overall the relationship was wonderful. He was kind, intelligent, we got along famously, and he's still rather dear to me. Things ended because I was leaving, but the split was certainly amicable. We are still on friendly terms and see one another, socially, regularly when we're both in town. Reads this blog. (Or at least he used to.)
P - Probably my closest friend since starting high school. We've dated, fallen in love with each other, and fought, and for a good long time I firmly believed he was my soulmate. I don't believe that anymore, but I do still care about him. He doesn't know about this blog, although I've contemplated telling him many times.
Jacob - We had an ongoing, on-again, off-again romance for several years. I have recently ended things because he needed me to be something I couldn't be. But I hold no ill feelings toward him and wish him well. He reads this blog.
Roomie - She and I met one summer after we both found the same house to live in on Craigslist. She's spunky, hilarious, adorable and brilliant. I love her. We're planning on moving in to our own place together sometime in the near future. I don't think she knows about this blog.
Essin' Em - We've known each other for well over 10 years, and she has in many ways been my inspiration. In being out and proud, in affirming queerness, in sex blogging, and in being yourself. I owe her much, and the least I can do is send some more traffic her way. Go check out her blog, you won't regret it. I promise. Obviously, she knows about this blog and my queerness and my kinkyness. We've played together once, and still maintain a strong friendship. Miss you, lady!
Kirsten - my second-oldest cousin, who is brilliant and inspiring and beautiful. She was murdered in New Orleans on Sept. 27, 2008. She was 25 and had accomplished more than most people hope to in a lifetime. I am still reeling. If you'd like more information about her, send me an email at sashasappho at gmail dot com and I will link you to her memorial page.
Essin' Em - We've known each other for well over 10 years, and she has in many ways been my inspiration. In being out and proud, in affirming queerness, in sex blogging, and in being yourself. I owe her much, and the least I can do is send some more traffic her way. Go check out her blog, you won't regret it. I promise. Obviously, she knows about this blog and my queerness and my kinkyness. We've played together once, and still maintain a strong friendship. Miss you, lady!
Kirsten - my second-oldest cousin, who is brilliant and inspiring and beautiful. She was murdered in New Orleans on Sept. 27, 2008. She was 25 and had accomplished more than most people hope to in a lifetime. I am still reeling. If you'd like more information about her, send me an email at sashasappho at gmail dot com and I will link you to her memorial page.
I get off on...
- Mental Masturbation
- Militant Ginger
- Sexuality Happens
- Northern Lights and Sleepless Nights
- Heartbreak Nymphomania
- Osbasso
- La Petit Mort
- Indiscretion
- Facts and Friction
- This Could Be Dangerous...
- Jazz and Sex and Soup
- Welcome to Sageville
- Sugasm
- Sexual Adventurer
- Savage Love
- Confessions of a College Callgirl
- Post Secret
- Jay Brannan
Labels
- experiences
- HNT
- Spain
- thoughts
- relationships
- music
- friend
- nonboyfriend
- the pilot
- Edward
- kissing
- Essin Em
- BDSM
- erotica
- The Scientist
- non-monogamy
- The Optimist
- friends
- interwebs
- orgasm
- review
- Ex
- Jacob
- Roland Hulme
- fantasy
- readers
- sex toys
- Bear
- P
- toybox
- Twilight
- holiday
- spring break
- text
- vacation
- Crush
- FwB
- Kirsten
- babeland
- column
- humor
- queer
- random
- romance
- the boy
- the viking
- threesome
- video
- C
- Roomie
- The Texan
- VibeReview
- biting
- love
- roommates
- summer
- the band
- Amalthea
- NYC
- New Year's
- Satin
- Thunder
- assault
- college
- exhibitionism
- flashback
- kink
- nudity
- oral sex
- Facts and Friction
- G
- Ireland
- Jay Brannan
- Merlin
- advice
- camp counselor
- coming out
- cuddling
- family
- favorites
- gay marriage
- girls
- life
- pessimism
- questions
- rants
- sex party
- sugasm
- the frat boys
- theory
- vibrators
- Champage and Benzedrine
- Denmark
- Disney
- Fat Controller
- Fukuoku
- GGG
- Kiss-In
- Larry Craig
- Leonardo DiCaprio
- Marianne
- Mister Mann
- Obama
- Osbasso
- PDA
- Pride
- Robert Pattinson
- Seattle
- Sex and the City
- T
- The Sexist
- Titanic
- Wilhelmina Wang
- Wilhemina Wang
- academic
- activism
- awards
- bondage
- book
- career
- cohabitation
- control
- curves
- dancing
- dirty sanchez
- dirty talk
- door jam cuffs
- feminism
- films
- home
- humping
- identity
- introduction
- job
- past
- politics
- porn
- rape
- rape culture
- safer sex
- self-confidence
- shoes
- softerworld
- spanking
- summary
- support
- thanksgiving
- tween
- updates
4 comments:
'But I solidified my position as the weirdly quiet loner girl in this program. Which is ironic, because any of you who know me in person know that while I'm weird, quiet and loner are not words generally used to describe me. If anything, I'm usually overly chatty and I hate being alone. I'm hyper-social with my friends. But not here. I don't belong here. I don't want to be here right now.'
This is uncomfortably similar to how I felt for almost all of last year, my first year of university. Things have got a bit better now, but I still feel a different person (socially) at uni than I do at home. I don't like it (to, obviously, say the least), but it's gradually changing, and I hope your situation does too.
At least you have OceanLab. Breaking Ties is a very melancholic song (which is fitting here) but Justine Suissa's voice is beautiful.
I hope things get better x
Write what you feel, even if it's feelings of loneliness and frustration.
You did that rather well.
Whether your current situation is right for you is something only you can tell. I wouldn't give up on it easily, though.
I can only imagine what you must be going through. Just remember that it is OK to enjoy yourself, it is OK to laugh. I know how it is; you catch yourself laughing and immediately feel guilt because you feel you really shouldn't be. This is all the tougher because you haven't been able to get together with your family and work this through but it will get better with time.
It's ok to be however you are, anytime. If you feel numb, it's ok to be numb. I know you know that in your head, I hope you feel it in your heart. One way I've found to get control over your grief is to just be one with it and let it run it's course without apology.
If you don't want to write, I hope you won't force yourself. Grief sucks, death sucks worse. Take whatever time and space you need.
It may help to keep that reunion in the future in your mind as a lifeline, a place you'll get to eventually. Maybe it will help you to process things and to take advantage of this opportunity that she surely would have wanted you to enjoy. I know you went into this planning to do so. It's beautiful that your family is coming together to support each other, however far away they may be reaching to do so.
I adore you, I hurt for you, I miss you, but I'm happy to not have you while you do what your ailing heart requires. *huge virtual hug*
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