Tuesday, October 7, 2008

My apologies

But I can't make myself write. I can't do much of anything. I'm trying desperately hard to be productive with school, and to stuff my emotions down deep inside me until a more convenient time... a time when I'm not tens of thousands of miles from home (ok, tens of thousands of kilometres, maybe), a time when I don't have midterms to take, a time when I'm not so utterly alone. A time when I don't have a feature article due in two days.

I still can't make myself write. Nothing I have to say seems important. Or relevant.

At the same time, I can't pull my eyes away from the computer. I'm clinging desperately to the messages I've received from friends - old, new, and yet-to-meet. Family and I are exchanging daily messages reminding that we love one another. The remaining cousins (god that sounds awful), along with Kirsten's fiancee/boyfriend/partner, who we're calling our newest cousin, are all coming to visit Colorado in the winter, when I'll be back.

But that doesn't help for right now. And virtual hugs can only go so far. Although I very much appreciate them, and all the support I've gotten from you, the blogosphere as well.

And even though I may return
To empty places on my own
Where I remember everything you want me to forget
And you provide the parachute
When I am falling like a stone
But I remember there's a life that I have not lived yet
-
OceanLab, Breaking Ties

I just want to be able to function again. But I can't make myself do anything. Except sleep and cry. Eating isn't appealing, and everywhere I look reminds me of her. Reminds me of how far away I am.

I'm trying not to miserable. I really am. I went on a field trip this weekend. I had fun for a few minutes. I jumped off another cliff. But I didn't speak to anyone on the trip. Not about anything of consequence. Then again, nothing seems of consequence to begin with. But I solidified my position as the weirdly quiet loner girl in this program. Which is ironic, because any of you who know me in person know that while I'm weird, quiet and loner are not words generally used to describe me. If anything, I'm usually overly chatty and I hate being alone. I'm hyper-social with my friends. But not here. I don't belong here. I don't want to be here right now.

I'm trying not to think about that. I know she wouldn't want me coming back, giving up this opportunity... but I'm really not sure I can keep going here. I really don't know. I don't think I'm strong enough.

Because, shit, when there are no words left, what do I have? Where does that leave me?

4 comments:

Jake (of Facts and Friction) said...

'But I solidified my position as the weirdly quiet loner girl in this program. Which is ironic, because any of you who know me in person know that while I'm weird, quiet and loner are not words generally used to describe me. If anything, I'm usually overly chatty and I hate being alone. I'm hyper-social with my friends. But not here. I don't belong here. I don't want to be here right now.'

This is uncomfortably similar to how I felt for almost all of last year, my first year of university. Things have got a bit better now, but I still feel a different person (socially) at uni than I do at home. I don't like it (to, obviously, say the least), but it's gradually changing, and I hope your situation does too.

At least you have OceanLab. Breaking Ties is a very melancholic song (which is fitting here) but Justine Suissa's voice is beautiful.

I hope things get better x

Merlin said...

Write what you feel, even if it's feelings of loneliness and frustration.

You did that rather well.

Whether your current situation is right for you is something only you can tell. I wouldn't give up on it easily, though.

Fat Controller said...

I can only imagine what you must be going through. Just remember that it is OK to enjoy yourself, it is OK to laugh. I know how it is; you catch yourself laughing and immediately feel guilt because you feel you really shouldn't be. This is all the tougher because you haven't been able to get together with your family and work this through but it will get better with time.

Amalthea said...

It's ok to be however you are, anytime. If you feel numb, it's ok to be numb. I know you know that in your head, I hope you feel it in your heart. One way I've found to get control over your grief is to just be one with it and let it run it's course without apology.

If you don't want to write, I hope you won't force yourself. Grief sucks, death sucks worse. Take whatever time and space you need.

It may help to keep that reunion in the future in your mind as a lifeline, a place you'll get to eventually. Maybe it will help you to process things and to take advantage of this opportunity that she surely would have wanted you to enjoy. I know you went into this planning to do so. It's beautiful that your family is coming together to support each other, however far away they may be reaching to do so.

I adore you, I hurt for you, I miss you, but I'm happy to not have you while you do what your ailing heart requires. *huge virtual hug*