Wednesday, October 22, 2008

everything.

I apologize for my absence of late. I've been busy making up missed midterms, trying not to discount people before I even give them a chance, stressing over the rest of my life, visiting Ireland, then debating whether to ever come back. Somewhere in there, sex kind of fell by the wayside.

Sex in every context, really. I haven't been doing much thinking about sexuality lately... I haven't been to my sexuality class in two weeks as I missed one while I was in Ireland (it's a once-weekly, three-hour long class). And Crush has been hot and cold, and I don't know what to make of it. Sometimes I think I simply overanalyze every interaction he and I have (which is very much like me) and sometimes I think he's just as shy as I am, because I catch him stealing glances at me and making silly excuses to talk to me. Which makes me feel a little less silly for doing the same, but doesn't help me in deciphering what the hell I should do about it. I know how to seduce people, for the most part. I know how to take friends to the FwB level. But starting this all blind, with someone new? I'm lost. And my self-confidence issues won't let me believe that maybe he is interested.

Even so, I don't know what I'd want out of it. I've already written that I don't think I'll be having sex before I leave Spain, because I don't think the one-night stand is what I need right now. Granted, someone to cuddle with, and be obnoxiously adorable on the Metro with, and to make sure I got home at night would be wonderful, but I don't even know if that's an option. Do people even do that anymore? Have my standards just deteriorated to the point that I don't bother considering things like that, let alone requesting or expecting them? Does that make me.... I don't know. Something? Anything? Nothing?

And to top off the non-sex, I haven't even been horny lately. I usually operate at a somewhat elevated level, arousal-wise. (Somehow, talking and writing and thinking about sex all the time will do that to a person. Who knew?) That hasn't been the case as of late. I haven't even wanted any me-time. I don't know what's going on with me. I feel like my body is acting separate from my head. And I don't like it.

In unrelated news, I spent five days in Ireland last week. It was, without question, one of the most incredible experiences of my life. I hope to write another post about it soon... But I did get myself a new peacoat. From a store called Sasha. No joke. And this coat replaced the since-discarded heavy black wool coat from Ex. This is the exact opposite. I'm thinking it will be the subject of a future HNT post. I also found the rest of my next tattoo in Ireland. That sounds strange, I know, but when I get inked back home, I'm sure that will be an HNT picture, as well.

Travel-wise, I've also just booked a flight to Denmark. I'm excited about it, as it will be my first time back to my native homeland (well, my father's - Far's - native homeland) since I was four years old. It should be a good trip, although likely really damn cold, as I'm going in mid-November. *shiver.* My Danish relatives are taking me to Tivoli (which I have numerous ties to anyway), and around Copenhagen... my cousin has an old 1940's truck that apparently is a popular thing to rent out for high school graduations and drive around the city, and they promised to tour the city with me in that. If anyone else has been slash lives in Denmark and has suggestions... I'll be there for four or five days, so there is plenty of time to check things out... and I'd love the suggestions!

I suppose that's all I have for now. Today was a hard day. I have those a lot. Granted, there are also days where everything is glorious and perfect. It seems to be one extreme or the other these days.

Besos,

5 comments:

fleurdiabolique said...

My advice is: EAT PASTRY.

LOTS of pastry.

Danish pastry is among the three yummiest substances on the planet.

And get to Legoland if you have a chance!

Fat Controller said...

So you're all set to come to Denmark! Pity it's in November, but still, the stores should be decorated for 'jul' by then, so a walk down 'Strøget' (the original pedestrian street) would be worthwhile. I am pretty much a stranger in København as we live right at the opposite end of the country. Tivoli is always worth seeing. I've no doubt you'll be seeing 'The Little Mermaid' anyway (don't be too disappointed, she really is little) and the changing of the guard outside the Amalienborg Palace. I quite enjoyed the Museum of Erotica. Avoid Christiania like the plague. This erstwhile 'free city' is being increasingly invaded by hardcore criminals and gangs of drug pushers. The original loveable, idealistic, pot-smoking hippies are being edged out. Christianshavn is worth a visit, with its waterfront cafes and bars.

If you were to venture outside the capital then Skagen, at the very northernmost tip of the country is quite spectacular. The country comes to a point and you can literally stand with one foot on the west coast and one foot on the east coast! Skagen also has a fine brewery, in which I have shares!Just south of the town of Skagen is the only sand desert in Europe. If you were to venture up north we would be pleased to show you around.

Amalthea said...

Everyone has times in their lives that depart from the norm, it keeps things interesting.

Having to deal with all of that stress could honestly have activated a bit of self-protection which is where the brain-body disconnect is coming into play. You're protecting yourself from emotional ruin because you know sex won't be no strings this time.

As for the shy guy and the things you want... you're honestly talking mostly about things that a friend could and should be happy to do for you. Can you act on a friendship even if you're not willing to act on the possibility of more? Asking to do things with someone never hurt anyone, we're social creatures us humans. Most of us would love to be asked to do things more often.

I'm so glad you have an awesome trip to look forward to (Denmark) and back on (Ireland)!

Just keep yourself together and maybe just be the friend you'd want to have and see what happens with Crush?

merlin17 said...

I suspect good days will follow the not-so-good, Sasha. When, I don't know, but your past has helped you develop patience as a virtue, I'm sure.

Although, with me, thinking about sex just makes me hornier. Go figure.

Amalthea said...

*blushes* over your comment regarding my comment. Major warm fuzzies, I'm so glad I can help!