Tuesday, October 28, 2008

she loves me not...

And the "she" I'm referring to is me.

I've just realized recently that right now, I'm not in love with anyone. Maybe that sounds like a strange thing to say, but being neurotic and overly analytical and what not often leads to me thinking I have stronger feelings than I do. Or maybe, it's just that those feelings don't always last. I don't think that necessarily invalidates those feelings, because I certainly believe them when I'm in the midst of whatever obsession it is at the moment, but I suppose it isn't quite the same in hindsight. Which, I know, is always 20/20.

But I was thinking about it today... I miss a lot of people. I miss my friends back home, I miss my family... I know this has been an overarching theme since I've been in Spain, but I'm cutting myself a little slack given the shit that's happened while I've been away. Not that any of it would have been prevented, or even easier, had I been home, but I do believe I wouldn't have felt quite so isolated. And I likely wouldn't be so paranoid about trusting anyone.

But while I miss those people, and I do indeed love many of them (some romantically, some platonically, familially, so on and so forth), I'm not in love with any of them. There aren't even, at the moment, any particular feelings of longing for closure, or missed opportunities. Certainly, things would be different were I home, but that's the whole reason one leaves home, is to change things, right? It's a strange sensation, though... realizing I'm not in love with anyone.

In some ways, it's kind of freeing. Even after he left me, I spent a long time being in love with Ex. He was, after all, my first love. And I do think that's something you never get out of unscathed. But the fact that I'm no longer feeling that longing for him, regretting where things went wrong, wishing I could just have another chance... that's very freeing.

In some ways, it's a little bittersweet. Being in love can be a lot of fun. It's nice to know someone (or someones) feels that way about you, to feel it back. *Insert here more romantic sentiments that sometimes make me uncomfortable and so I tend to avoid them of late.*

While I don't know that I'd call it being in love, I often have loose ends that I haven't tied up. I'm terrible at ending relationships, and combining that with my belief in FwB, it can sometimes lead to uncertainty, or confusion, in my love life. But I'm not even feeling that right now. Don't get me wrong, I've already got plans to get some much-needed-lovin' when I get back home, but besides the desire for company and physical contact (which are not always joined), I'm not feeling like I'm LACKING anyone. I don't NEED to see someone to try to sort out how I feel about them, or to set things straight or right or anything of the sort. Even with the one person who I'm basically ALWAYS doing that with (we can never seem to have the same feelings for one another at the same time, thus I'm pining for them or they're pining for me), it isn't much happening right now. It's like we've reached a stalemate.

But thinking about how I left things back home, maybe this makes sense. Back at school, the woman I was casually dating and I stopped doing so simply because I was leaving. We weren't quite dating, although we did tend to go to dinner/for drinks, and she spent more than a few nights in my bed. I should write about that sometime... I don't know that I really ever have. I'm not even really sure people in my life know about it. But there were no brutally severed ties there. No hard feelings, and we've been in contact on occasion since. I'm sure I'll see her again when I get back to school next year.

Then over the summer, I basically dated two people. One at the beginning of the summer for a few weeks. Pleasant, but he wanted something serious and committed, and I told him that I wasn't looking for that, and he decided to leave. I told him that was fine, and we had the "We'll-still-be-friends" (although we were never more than acquaintances to begin with) conversation. He recently got in touch with me again, asking when I'd be home and if I'd meet him for a drink. I'm considering it. Shortly after that ended, things began with nonboyfriend. I've written a little about that, and won't go into much more detail at his request. But things were good, and he made me feel fantastic about myself - physically, sexually, intellectually. I like to think that we were good for one another, for the most part. Some people might differ (in fact, I know they do, but that has little to do with anything that ever actually happened between nonboyfriend and I), but I was happy and as far as I could tell and he told me, he was too. Again, ending things was made easier since neither of us were planning on pursuing anything particularly long-distance or long-term. Perhaps things would have been different had we both stayed home, but we weren't. So that was the end of that.

I had a little bit of a hard time letting go of him for the first few weeks here. Sometimes he still crosses my mind. I'm looking forward to seeing him again when I get home. But I, honest to god, have no expectations. It's kind of nice, actually. I'm not nervous about seeing him again. We were friends before, I'm sure we still will be. We very much agreed on that part, which was nice.

There's Friend, who I still talk to regularly, and who I am excited to see, but again, have no expectations. Aside from the conversation and company, which I am sorely missing, I'm not hurting there.

And as for Crush, well, he's a fun distraction. I like seeing that his eyes light up when he looks at me, that he finds silly reasons to talk to me, and always lingers a little longer than he needs to at the end of our conversations like he's trying to say something else. If nothing else, because I do the same thing. But in love? I'm not. In like? Sure. With a little lust tossed in, for good measure.

I just think it's interesting, and surprisingly validating for me that the ties pulling me back home are relationship-based. It helps me realize that I really do just WANT to be there. For me, and for the people around me, sure, but more than anything, it's where I feel like I should be. And that's nice to know.

Goodnight, dears.


Roland Hulme said...

I used to be addicted to falling in love. It is awesome - the rush, the butterflies in the stomach, the stolen glances...

The sad thing is, during a long term relationship, it's kind of impossible not to have that 'love' replaced by the more friendly, less intense form of 'married' love. Like being each other's best friends.

I think some people cheat because when they meet somebody they 'spark' with, those romantic feelings are pretty addictive.

But love has always been as difficult and painful as it's been thrilling and exciting, from my perspective, so maybe it is nice and liberating to take a step back and NOT be in love for a while.

Besides, my problem with love is that I could often create an image of somebody in my head and the real them wouldn't be the same.

Saying that, the one love I let get away still worries me to this day, even though I'm happy as larry.

I'm just rambling now - I'm sorry!

Amalthea said...

I fell in love with my first love over and over again, usually weekly or even daily or by moment, I am highly love-capable when I allow myself to be... Leaving him was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and took me over a year to do. Still, it was only without love and without ties like that when I have felt... totally grounded in myself. It almost freed up some space for me to learn to love me alone. I sincerely hope you find the path to doing that with it as well. It also made me a little more overly cautious with bestowing my love, I remain unsure whether that is a good or bad thing.

What's with my word verifications today? It's belli! The last one was redlyst and before that turtly. The words are coming to get me....

Merlin said...

One definition of freedom is being free to create a new love without worrying about ending an old one.

When you are compelled to surrender that freedom willingly, you will know the new love has arrived.