Monday, December 22, 2008

my reputation...

..preceeds me, apparently.

*emotional rant warning*

I've written before about owning my reputation. I really do - I don't make apologies for how I live my life, with the exception being, of course, if I've hurt someone along the way. I have, admittedly, hurt people, and for that I am sorry. But those experiences have allowed me to learn what I need to do to avoid hurting people, at least in that fashion, in the future.

So I will say this: I am a slut.

I know this. I own this. I don't have a problem with this. I am safe, I act with everyone involved's knowledge and consent, and I truly believe that my behavior doesn't take away from the inherent quality of any given relationship I might be in. I don't mind people calling me such names, and while it isn't always with the positive affirming tone I might apply myself, it is for precisesly that reason that I have reclaimed such a title.

But while I don't mind people calling me such, it still stings a little when people imply that I can't control myself. I've written about this one other time, and the basic problem was that it portrays me as predatory. And not in a good, I-go-after-what-I-want kind of way... but instead in a I-destroy-everything-in-my-path sort of way. I don't like thinking of myself like that, I think because it isn't particularly true.

I'm back home. Around old friends, and new ones... re-defining relationships as always seems to be the pattern when I come home. That's all fine and good. And in fact, I've been largely surprised at how willing people have been to move forward with relationships, and finally let old shit be bygone. It's a good thing. But it makes it that much worse when I don't receive the benefit of the doubt that maybe I've grown up, too.

And to the specifics. In being back home, it means I'm back in the same area as nonboyfriend. As you might recall, things with him ended amicably, but not uncertainly. Neither of us had any delusions of staying together (even in our non-relationship relationship) or allegiance to the other or needing to wait for each other or anything of the sort. I did assume, as I understood did he, that when we were both back in town we'd go back to being friends like we've always been. I haven't seen him yet, which is fine. But I have seen several of our mutual friends. Which has also, by and large, been a good thing. And every one of these friends has made sure to point out to me that he's seeing someone now. OK. Harmless enough.

Except that after the fourth or fifth time of hearing it, it gets harder to ignore the tone that makes it sound less like "did you hear he has a girlfriend?" and more like "you know he has a girlfriend now, so you'd better back off. You really shouldn't go in and mess this up for him." As though that were the ONLY possible outcome of my seeing him. Not only can I apparently not control myself around him, but I apparently also have zero respect for the boundaries of his relationship.

I admit, I don't have the greatest track record with other people - although it should be noted that neither nonboyfriend nor I have ever done anything that could remotely be considered cheating or even being in the wrong. But this doesn't matter, I suppose.

And so in my frustration, I was explicit in telling him, when I asked him "if we could hang out," that I actually meant "go grab a drink and catch up" and not, yknow, "I'm going to jump you." Which he only responded to AFTER I made that clarification.

I guess I'm not really angry. I'm not really anything. I guess it's warranted. But it does make it difficult to maintain this sex-positive, healthy self-image when the people you care about think things like this about you. le sigh.

*end of rant.*


Roland Hulme said...

"It's okay to be a slut, as long as you own it."

It was an ex-girlfriend who said that to me, and I think it was one of the wisest things I'd ever heard.

I think people are perhaps intimidated by women who are in control of their own sexuality. Do rest assured that there are some of out there who do 'get it' and think it's awesome.

So, I'm sorry you're having a sucky time over it all. I just wrote an article about how, even forty years after the 'sexual revolution' we're kind of still WAY behind where we ought to be in realizing that women aren't relegated into 'good girls' and 'ravenous slut monsters.'

From reading your whole blog, I think the way you conduct your sex life seems like the way you conduct the rest of your life - outspoken, but true to yourself.

And that's the most important thing of all.

You rock!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry if I said it that way, sweetie. I didn't mean it to come out like that. :( ~CK

Enlightenment is Self Love said...

Hun people are a bitch, half of the time people are their to push us face first into the mud, and the other half will be there to help you get up. The big thing wioth this is that a lot of the time we end up pushing people into the mud while where trying to help others up (or not end up in the mud in the first place). What I'm trying to say is that no matter how hard we work and as much as we achive people will always think less of you (at least thats all we hear) The thing is is that you should always be proud of who you are (which you are (a great thing few people ever have)) the reason for this is because nobody Truely knows who you are but you. So in conclusion shame on all of us who love eachother and don't provide positive reinforcement. You know where you sit with me and that will never change


Merlin said...

It amazes me how strong the pairing up paradigm is in society. For purposes of procreation, that makes sense, but why is it, in the realm of recreational sex, that a woman who seeks nothing more than to fulfill her desires is considered less worthy than one whose amorous activities are centered on some sort of semi-permanent pairing up?

I think one reason is that most people have extremely fragile egos, but does anyone have other theories?

Amalthea said...

Perhaps in the case of non-boyfriend he didn't want to have to disappoint you at the non-resumption of the sexual part of your friendship either? Sometimes it's a hard door to close. Perhaps he wasn't sure he could resist you, and needed to know you wouldn't tempt him?

Though I must say the comments from everyone else are ridiculous. As if you can't be trusted to leave someone's relationship alone... I think people see pursuing your desires as selfish in a negative way in a woman. And in doing so then make assumptions about you that your needs/wants would come before your friends'. RUDE, uncalled for, and bleh. You deserve to not be felt of that way, sorry sweetums.