Sunday, July 20, 2008

Is sex ever safe?

I've been meaning to write this post for about a week... and it's likely that it will take a very different tone than what I would have guessed it would have a week ago. Anyways...

I'm a major proponent of safer sex. But I think, to a certain degree, there's only so much condoms, dental dams, rubber gloves, and spermicide can protect you. Because no matter how sex-positive I am and how much I can own my reputation (or identity, as it seems now) as a slut, there IS an emotional aspect to sex. And I don't necessarily mean the i'm-staring-into-your-eyes-and-we-connect kind of way, although there's something to be said for that. (And, believe it or not, I should know.) But I mean the emotional... fallout... for lack of a better term... of sex. Not so much the attachment, because I think it's entirely possible to have sex unattached, but I'm not sure it's possible to entirely separate emotion from sex. And maybe we shouldn't separate the two. But sometimes it can come around to kick you in the ass, when you think you can be unattached, and then something swings around and makes you feel... guilty. For the first time in godknows how long.

I wanted this to be more... pointed. To really mean something. But I guess that's the whole point. Is that it didn't mean anything. So I guess I'll go off on a separate tangent. About loyalty.

Maybe I'm unique in that I really, honestly, DO want people to tell me the truth. Can't hang out with me? Call me and tell me. I won't be upset. Disappointed, maybe, but not upset. And certainly not at you. I don't want anyone to tell me what they think I want to hear. I have absolutely no interest in being talked down to like that. I want people to confront me. And for godsakes, if someone has a problem with me, I'd so much rather have them bitch me out than go behind my back. Of course, I don't really get a say in that. I guess I can't really go in to detail here. But know that, as a matter of fact, I'm hurting pretty damn badly. From someone I didn't think could ever hurt me like that. But maybe that means they always had the most power to, in that they were unsuspected. I should stop. I know everything will be better in the morning.

1 comment:

Amalthea said...

I don't think it is. Even if I escape from a sexual encounter unscathed (which has been the exception, not the rule) did the other person??? I doubt it...perhaps they have once in my past experience. But I wouldn't risk knowing by calling to check!!

Insert a deep sigh here for the loyalty comments too.... This is the rub causing me some deep guilt (because I am withholding honesty from someone). I would always prefer the same, painful honesty over telling me what I want to hear. The people I value most in my life provide me with that. And it never fails to hurt me deeply when I realize someone has been making nice with me but not meaning it, even if they hardly mattered before that.

I hope things were better this morning!