(un)Scripted Sexuality: Is sex ever safe?

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Is sex ever safe?

I've been meaning to write this post for about a week... and it's likely that it will take a very different tone than what I would have guessed it would have a week ago. Anyways...

I'm a major proponent of safer sex. But I think, to a certain degree, there's only so much condoms, dental dams, rubber gloves, and spermicide can protect you. Because no matter how sex-positive I am and how much I can own my reputation (or identity, as it seems now) as a slut, there IS an emotional aspect to sex. And I don't necessarily mean the i'm-staring-into-your-eyes-and-we-connect kind of way, although there's something to be said for that. (And, believe it or not, I should know.) But I mean the emotional... fallout... for lack of a better term... of sex. Not so much the attachment, because I think it's entirely possible to have sex unattached, but I'm not sure it's possible to entirely separate emotion from sex. And maybe we shouldn't separate the two. But sometimes it can come around to kick you in the ass, when you think you can be unattached, and then something swings around and makes you feel... guilty. For the first time in godknows how long.

I wanted this to be more... pointed. To really mean something. But I guess that's the whole point. Is that it didn't mean anything. So I guess I'll go off on a separate tangent. About loyalty.

Maybe I'm unique in that I really, honestly, DO want people to tell me the truth. Can't hang out with me? Call me and tell me. I won't be upset. Disappointed, maybe, but not upset. And certainly not at you. I don't want anyone to tell me what they think I want to hear. I have absolutely no interest in being talked down to like that. I want people to confront me. And for godsakes, if someone has a problem with me, I'd so much rather have them bitch me out than go behind my back. Of course, I don't really get a say in that. I guess I can't really go in to detail here. But know that, as a matter of fact, I'm hurting pretty damn badly. From someone I didn't think could ever hurt me like that. But maybe that means they always had the most power to, in that they were unsuspected. I should stop. I know everything will be better in the morning.

1 comment:

Amalthea said...: I don't think it is. Even if I escape from a sexual encounter unscathed (which has been the exception, not the rule) did the other person??? I doubt it...perhaps they have once in my past experience. But I wouldn't risk knowing by calling to check!!

Insert a deep sigh here for the loyalty comments too.... This is the rub causing me some deep guilt (because I am withholding honesty from someone). I would always prefer the same, painful honesty over telling me what I want to hear. The people I value most in my life provide me with that. And it never fails to hurt me deeply when I realize someone has been making nice with me but not meaning it, even if they hardly mattered before that.

I hope things were better this morning!; July 21, 2008 at 12:03 PM

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Featuring...

A constantly changing cast of the people in my life who tend to appear in this blog.

The Optimist - A friend of several friends who I was introduced to in the beginning of summer 2009, with major consequences. He pretty effectively swept me off my feet, and continues to astound me regularly. I don't get to see him as often as I would like, but that makes the time we do spend together that much more enjoyable. Stay tuned. He does read this blog.

The Scientist - One of my oldest and most consistent friends. We met in high school and kept in regular contact through college. We've gone through so incredibly much that it's at once shocking and brilliant that we are still such good friends. Sometimes we sleep together, but mostly we just care very deeply for each other. He reads this blog.

Friend - I've known him since we were children, and as of the past few years, we've developed a particularly strong friendship (yes, sometimes there are benefits included). He's a fellow intellectual and non-monogamist, and we both tend to enjoy bouncing hypothetical relationship or sexual theories off one another. He's actually one of my most consistent partners, and there's a lot of love there. He does read this blog. (Never comments, though, you ass!)

The Pilot - A mutual friend of mine and Friend's from childhood. We've recently reconnected in the past year or so, and Friend and I spent my senior year spring break with him. He's an incredible friend, another fellow intellectual, and while a little newer to the non-monogamy thing, seems eager to make it work. He doesn't seem to mind my neuroses in talking to him on a daily basis. To quote him, he's weird... but in a totally awesome way. He reads this blog.

Edward - Spent a decade in my life before he removed himself by saying terrible, abusive and destructive things to me in the spring of 2009. He still tries to call me and contact me and has resorted to stalking me to try to get "answers" he feels I deprived him of. I do not speak to him or have any contact with him.

Bear - my best male friend at college. We're polar opposites in many ways, but that's part of why we're so good together. We joked about being friends with sexual tension for three years before we finally had sex. There was surprisingly little ensuing awkwardness. He now refers to me solely as "love." I love him dearly, and I don't know what I'd do without him. He also reads this blog.

Non-boyfriend - An old friend who I casually dated for a summer after my First Love. There were some complications, but overall the relationship was wonderful. He was kind, intelligent, we got along famously, and he's still rather dear to me. Things ended because I was leaving, but the split was certainly amicable. We are still on friendly terms and see one another, socially, regularly when we're both in town. Reads this blog. (Or at least he used to.)

P - Probably my closest friend since starting high school. We've dated, fallen in love with each other, and fought, and for a good long time I firmly believed he was my soulmate. I don't believe that anymore, but I do still care about him. He doesn't know about this blog, although I've contemplated telling him many times.

Jacob - We had an ongoing, on-again, off-again romance for several years. I have recently ended things because he needed me to be something I couldn't be. But I hold no ill feelings toward him and wish him well. He reads this blog.

Roomie - She and I met one summer after we both found the same house to live in on Craigslist. She's spunky, hilarious, adorable and brilliant. I love her. We're planning on moving in to our own place together sometime in the near future. I don't think she knows about this blog.

Essin' Em - We've known each other for well over 10 years, and she has in many ways been my inspiration. In being out and proud, in affirming queerness, in sex blogging, and in being yourself. I owe her much, and the least I can do is send some more traffic her way. Go check out her blog, you won't regret it. I promise. Obviously, she knows about this blog and my queerness and my kinkyness. We've played together once, and still maintain a strong friendship. Miss you, lady!

Kirsten - my second-oldest cousin, who is brilliant and inspiring and beautiful. She was murdered in New Orleans on Sept. 27, 2008. She was 25 and had accomplished more than most people hope to in a lifetime. I am still reeling. If you'd like more information about her, send me an email at sashasappho at gmail dot com and I will link you to her memorial page.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Is sex ever safe?

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