Friday, July 4, 2008


"The blind bird sings
Inside the cage that is my heart
The image of your face comes to me
When I'm alone in the dark
If I could give a shape
To this ache that I have for you
If I could find the voice
That says the words that capture you
I think I know
I think I know
I think I know why the dog howls at the moon...

I've been waiting for you all my life
Hoping for a miracle
I've been waiting day and night
Day and night
I've been waiting for you all my life
Waiting for redemption
I've been waiting day and night
I burn for you..."
(Savuka and Johnny Clegg)

I should preface this by saying that I've been drinking tonight. Not that that wasn't my plan. I just wasn't planning on doing it so terribly... alone. I've been listening to this song all night. It's incredible. And works strikingly well with the dress I'm wearing, that flares ohsoperfectly as I spin around in circles. It makes me happy. But that isn't so much what this post is about.

More so, it's about expectations. And this won't have exactly to do with sexuality, but know that does in a roundabout way about which I have to be necessarily vague. Anyways... Today is the 4th of July, Independence Day, here in the states. Oddly enough, this is actually my favorite holiday of the year. Yes, it beats out Christmas, Valentine's day and (while it's not a holiday) my birthday. I love the summer, the clothes you can wear, the way the sun stays up til 9 p.m. , and the way it makes the days feel longer and more fun and like they have that much more potential. And then, about the 4th specifically, it's this gorgeous time of year, when the weather is great, there's usually a good deal of alcohol involved, and you spend the night with friends watching the sky and the beautiful colors igniting it. In my eyes, it doesn't get too much more romantic than that.

Which, I know, in a lot of ways, is silly. But at least I don't think Valentine's Day is the most romantic day of the year. As a matter of fact, I'd much rather spend V-day indoors doing nothing in exchange for being able to spend the 4th of July with someone who I cared about. And yes, this includes friends. But of course, I've always had this fantasy of sitting on the grass, or maybe a rooftop balcony, with someone who I enjoy and who enjoys me, and as we're staring at the sky and the stunning colors its turning, that person grabs my hand and looks at me and smiles like there's nowhere else they'd rather be.

Of course, that's clearly too much to ask. And by recognizing that that's what I want, I've essentially screwed myself from ever getting it. But then there's an interesting dynamic...

Have you ever come up with an idea that you wished someone would do for you... But, of course, you can't ask them to do it, because that would destroy the romanticism inherent in them wanting to do this thing for you. I know that's a disgustingly femme way to put it, but that's what has been dominating my thoughts tonight. So I'm going to go ahead and put it in words here. In reality, no one who reads this has much of the capacity to make it come true, so there isn't really any risk in posting it.

As I've just stated, and anyone who knows me knows, the 4th of July is my favorite holiday. Somehow, though, it always falls short of my expectations. That's likely because I so want it to be such a fabulous holiday that it has nowhere to go but down. But anyways, I was sitting there, alone tonight, thinking about what could make up for tonight. And I thought about someone I cared about taking me to a park, or, even better, to the mountains or a rooftop patio, and orchestrating a fireworks show. Even if it were the kind you buy in Wyoming, and not the professional-grade kind, I think I'd be so touched, that I wouldn't know what to do. Essentially, they'd try to re-create the 4th of July for me. Because they'd know how much it means to me.

But it's one of those weird things, because it's so relevant for me, but it wouldn't work for me to do for someone else, unless they cared about the 4th as much as I did. And I think that's the thing.... I'd love to do this all for someone, but the only person I know who would really appreciate it would be me. And, of course, if I do it for myself, that takes all the fun out of it. And of course, I've probably ruined it by writing about it here. Then again, there are very few people who read this who know me in person, so maybe I'm just putting the thought out into the universe. And someday it will come back to me in some form that I can recognize.

Or I'll just let other people know how important the little things are to some of us. I know it seems silly, but know that it does matter to us. It matters to me. And these are moves I wouldn't pull on someone I call my friend.

But that's just me. I like not being a flake. To each their own.


Essin' Em said...

Hey sunshine - sorry you were so disappointed :( If I'd known (which totally defeats the point, I know), I would have come over with a bottle of wine and chocolate, to watch the fireworks with you.

One comment though:
I know that's a disgustingly femme way to put it.

I'm really trying to combat the idea of Femmes all being super romantic, and demanding, and full o' expectations, etc. So maybe you might mean it was a fem way to say it, or a stereotypical female/girly way to put it, but I'm not sure if what you mean is femme (although maybe it is...if so, ignore me).

Hope you have a fantabulous trip. Call whever you need...

Amalthea said...

I've just recently discovered your blog and I felt very... almost scared at some of the echos of thoughts I have had myself in your words. So I wanted to say hi. :) And send you some virtual fireworks after the fact, just because it sounds like you deserve some!!