Monday, May 10, 2010

I need your help!

My dear readers,

I have a favor to ask you. I've written a few times about my new boy. Things are going really well. He treats me well, the sex is fantastic, and most importantly, I really, really like who I am when I'm with him. I'm proud to introduce him to my friends, I love going out on real dates with him, just like I love staying home with him.

So, as I mentioned, the sex is awesome. He's interested in poly relationships (we're still expressly non-monogamous, though neither of us is sleeping with anyone else), and he's finding that he's kinkier than he thought he was. (All it takes is a good, kinky girl to bring it out, hehehe.) Generally, he tops me, because he's bigger and the man and I'm a sub.

But he's asked me if I'll try domming him. Usually I would say no, not my thing, but I really trust him and I actually feel comfortable trying new things with him. He's already changed my mind on a few things I didn't think I enjoyed, so why not keep it going, right?

And here's where I need your help, my dear, sweet, kinky readers.

I need advice on domming my boy. I'm generally not a top, so I don't have much experience, but I am willing to give it a try. Are there any tips for getting into a Dom mindset, the same way you can get into sub-space? I think being able to check my inhibitions will be crucial, because I'm always worried that I'll look stupid. (Hence my not talking during sex for fear of sounding like a bad porno.) He and I will obviously have the discussion before-hand about safew0rds, hard limits, etc., and I know what kind of sensation he prefers (he's stingy, I'm thuddy).

So. How do I get in the right state of mind to top my boy? It's a gender role reversal (for the bedroom, at least. Our actual relationship generally does buck gender stereotypes), as well as a reversal of the usual sexual hierarchy we have. Also, he's larger than I am - taller, heavier and stronger - so how do I work around that?

I need your help, dear readers! And in return, I promise to give you super-hot details after the fact. Maybe even pictures. We'll see how he feels about that. Then again, I can be pretty persuasive...


Fat Controller said...

(Sigh) I wish I could help, but I am in the same situation. I have often wished that H. Would stretch me out and give me a good flogging, as I do her, but it is just not in her nature.

Anyway, for what it's worth, here is my two cents'.

You are just starting out on your relationship: Give it time. you need to grow into one another, you can't force it. This is just the beginning of a journey; enjoy the ride with all its mishaps and detours, instead of fixating on the destination.

Never mind about what you do or say being remeniscent of bad porno; what happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom. Neither of you need be embarrassed by anything that happens there.

Agree a policy of 'No shame, No blame'.Try anything (that you both agree on) once. It goes without saying that everything must be consensual, but in the heat of the moment it is very easy to push the envelope. Whilst absolutely respecting safe-words and expressly-defined limits, don't be afraid to explore those boundaries and if something doesn't work for you then chalk it up to experience and move on with no recriminations.

I don't know quite what your man has in mind, but try a little gentle sensory deprivation as a starting point. Blindfold him and insert earplugs , restrain him gently but firmly and then do nothing for a while such that he has no idea whether you are even still in the room. Then you can apply a series of sensations to his skin: A brush with a feather or a silk scarf, or a smack; use your imagination. Leave long intervals between applications and choose different parts of the body every time so that he never knows what to expect next. The suspense can be very exciting without you having to inflict physical pain.

A little thing H. and I do occasionally is to inflict the pain mutually and concurrently. We have two sets of nipple-clamps which can be tightened by a screw. We each put on one of each pair so that we are joined together by the chains that link them and take it in turns to tighten each other's screws. This is deeply erotic and usually has us screaming in unison.

Hope this helps. Good luck on your journey of discovery!

Sunny said...

This suggestion maybe totally stupid.. but why don't you ask Essin Em? I'm sure she can give you MORE than a few tips.. ;) and as far as the bigger and stronger theme is concerned.. well, as you said its a role reversal, so I don't think you would have issues there at all.. Hope you two have fun.. :) And btw, I'm really really happy for you. :D

Sasha Sappho said...

FC, Tak! You're amazing - those are spectacular suggestions, and I think you're right... I forget sometimes that we are just starting out and we're still working out the...well...kinks.
I am prepared to laugh off the inevitable awkwardness, and I'm confident he won't make fun of me or be cruel if it isn't flawless - which is why I'm willing to try it. And I've never tried domming, so I guess I can't say I'm categorically a sub.

And Sunny,

The suggestion isn't stupid at all. Em is actually the first person I went to - she and I are childhood (real-life) friends, so I turned to her right away. Unfortunately, she didn't have a ton of tips for me (largely because my boy is a bio guy and she doesn't sleep or particularly play with bio men)... So your suggestion was right on point, actually.

Thank you both - I'm feeling better already!

Sunny said...

It was my pleasure.. and I dont know if you remember, but we had corresponded once over gmail.. I was worried over your long absence and wondered if u were doing alrite.. and guess what.. Essin Em is the one who reassured me that you were fine. :) This ring any bells for you? Anywhoo.. looking forward to even more tantalising posts.. and once again.. reallyyyyy happy for you. :)

Sasha Sappho said...

Thanks, Sunny. And yes, I do remember that, and I appreciate your concern and the fact that you're still reading!
My life is at least stabalized, if not settled down, so hopefully I can keep up with the posts on a more regular basis. And anyway, now I've got fresh material, hehe...

Sunny said...

That you do.. That you most certainly do. :)

Dangerous Lilly said...

Have you heard of Yeah it's a pay site, but you might be able to review it in exchange for a review post about it if she's still looking for that. Otherwise, at $10 a month, I still think it's worth it. They have some video tutorials on how to talk dirty, how to top, some good femme domme topics, etc. Super informative. I honestly wish it had been around a few years back when I was talked into trying out my domme side and felt like I was failing.