Monday, April 26, 2010

I wonder...

I wonder if it's possible, that after all my insistence that I am not now nor will I ever be so-called girlfriend material, while I was so busy telling myself and everyone that I wasn't capable of treating anyone well or being good for someone... that I was actually, in fact, gearing up to become a decent girlfriend?

I'm ahead of myself a bit, of course, in that the GF word is still terrifying to me as the BF word is to him. But the signs are there. And it should terrify me much more than it does. I should be concerned that the kind things he says to me unprompted are just lines. I shouldn't believe him when he tells me how much he enjoys being with me. It shouldn't phase me that he wants me to meet his parents properly.

And I shouldn't be so satiated with the amazing sex I'm having with him, and only him.

Of course, officially, everything is still entirely non-monogamous, and I wouldn't change that. I like having the freedom to do what I like. But the chemistry between he and I is absolutely absurd. When we both turn it on, it's like a carnal incarnation of lust. There is no reason, or pain, or world outside the two of us. We are all that exists and we simply must have more of each other.

I wake up bruised and bitten, and he wakes up with scratches that have broken the skin down his back and chest and thighs. I always apologize when I see them in the morning, and he always just smirks and tells me he likes them. And then he kisses me softly and pulls me back into his arms.

And I am happy. I am exceedingly happy. I'm trying so desperately not to over-analyze, and instead just to focus on how much better he makes my life, right now. With no expectations, but also with no limits.

At the moment, my life is good. I am content. I feel loved and appreciated. And I still have a fantastic sex life.

Is this what being in a relationship is like? Because if it is, then I don't know why the fuck I was so terrified.

1 comment:

Essin' Em said...

This makes me so happy for you :)